Several Sherlockian Spoofs

With the recent return of Holmes from the dead, some of the living decided to have some fun with the Sage of Baker Street. Whether or not you find these funny depends entirely, exclusively, and inevitably on you. Here are excerpts:

~ "The Bound of the Astorbilts" (1902):

"Our visitor," I replied, desperately discarding the ingenuousness he always insisted upon, "was a tall, slender female of about forty-five, unmarried, and carrying a pug pup under her left arm. From the peculiar traces of reddish-brown mud on the rug, I deduce that she came here directly from East Ontario, Ohio. She wore a light-green bombasine ulster over a yellow-and-red percale waist and a lavender brocade skirt, a black patch over her left eye and a mouse-coloured wig. She remained in this room exactly seven minutes and thirty-nine seconds, three minutes of which period were occupied in smoking a Trichinopoly cigar and gazing fixedly at yonder painting of 'The Monster Hound'. "

Sherlock Holmes uttered an ejaculation of amazement.

~ "Dr. Watson's Wedding Present" (1903):

SCENE : The chambers in Baker Street. Holmes discovered lolling on divan and smoking a long pipe. Enter Watson.

Watson.—Good morning, Holmes! I have missed not seeing you, but I've been so busy for the last six weeks.

Holmes.—Glad to see you. Tell me what to give you for a wedding present. I don't approve of marriage on general principles, but Miss Morstan is a fine girl, and it was I who brought you together.

Watson.—Holmes, you astound me! Who told you that I was going to be married? How did you learn that? Why, I haven't told a soul yet!

Holmes.—Humph! Rising young doctor, too busy to see friend, but calls four times a week on a particular young lady. At last comes to see friend, wears brand-new clothes in the morning. Never known to do such a thing before—suspicious circumstance. Woman's long hair on his right shoulder, and a monarch-of-all-I-survey expression. What more do you want? The inference is obvious. I'd congratulate you, Watson, if it wasn't for the wedding present I've got to give you.

~ "A Sherlock Cartoon" (1903):

How do you do, sir. I observe that you are in the coal trust; also that you have just had a narrow escape; that you have no children; that you were in a great hurry this morning; that you have been writing, and that you shaved with your left hand this morning.

~ "The Resources of Mycroft Holmes" (1903):

He paused, evidently to gather his forces, a frown coming over his low forehead and continued, "Sherlock Holmes is—" in such a tone that I could not repress an involuntary, "Yes?" of expectancy and suspense.

"Sherlock Holmes is a vain coxcomb and an arrant charlatan," went on Mycroft explosively.

Category: Detective fiction