"You Are Charged with Breaking System Policy Rule Number 86, Subhead C, of the General Code of Time Travel"

HERE we have a clever take on a legend that has been so persistent that even Walt Disney made a full-length animated film about it. As you read the story, it should become clear fairly quickly which legend that is; you might also want to consider why it's called . . .

"Justice."

By J. F. Hutton (1912-81) (ISFDb HERE).

First appearance: Fantastic Universe, March 1956.

Short short story (7 pages as a PDF).

Online at Project Gutenberg (HERE).

   "When did any of you ever travel in time? You sit here in the splendor of your logic—mental and physical light-years away from the event. You can’t conceive how crude and disorganized those days were. Do you think it’s easy to enter a world like that? It takes all the skill and care and self-discipline you can command. And no man who ever lived could exercise the control the manuals call for."

WE can all agree that it's possible for someone to do the wrong thing for the right reason and, conversely, do the right thing for the wrong reason, but without intending to Urs has found a way to do the right thing for no particular reason at all . . .

Main characters:

~ Urs, the Chairman of the Policy Board, Renar, and Morrey.

References:

- "the rock and the sword so impossibly fixed in it":

  "After the King of England, Uther Pendragon, dies without an heir to his throne, a sword magically appears inside an anvil atop a stone, with an inscription proclaiming that whoever removes it will be the future king. Many have unsuccessfully attempted to remove the sword, and the sword becomes forgotten, leaving England in the Dark Ages.

  ". . . At the tournament, Arthur realizes he left Kay's sword at the inn. It is closed for the tournament, but Archimedes sees the 'Sword in the Stone,' which Arthur removes almost effortlessly, unknowingly fulfilling the prophecy. When Arthur returns with the sword, Ector recognizes it and the tournament is halted. Ector places the sword back in its anvil, demanding Arthur prove that he pulled it. Kay suggests that anyone can pull it once it's been pulled, but they soon find out that it is as stuck as ever. Arthur pulls it once again, revealing that he is England's rightful king . . ." (Wikipedia HERE.)

  "When Kay is ready to be knighted, Sir Ector and his retinue travel to London, where he owns some property. As Kay approaches the tournament field, he realizes that he has left his sword back at the inn. Wart is sent back to retrieve it, but finds the inn locked. He finds a sword stuck in an anvil atop a stone in a churchyard. When Wart touches the sword, his senses heighten. He is unable to pull it out, but as he tries again, the voices of all the animals and friends he has made give him encouragement and remind him of the lessons they taught him. On the third try, the sword comes loose, and Wart rushes to Kay with it." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- King Arthur:

  "King Arthur (Welsh: Brenin Arthur; Cornish: Arthur Gernow; Breton: Roue Arzhur; French: Roi Arthur) was a legendary king of Britain. He is a folk hero and a central figure in the medieval literary tradition known as the Matter of Britain.

  ". . . The themes, events and characters of the Arthurian legend vary widely from text to text, and there is no one canonical version. Arthurian literature thrived during the Middle Ages but waned in the following centuries until it experienced a major resurgence in the 19th century. In the 21st century the legend continues to have prominence, not only in literature but also in adaptations for theatre, film, television, comics and other media." (Wikipedia HERE.) 

Resources:

- The FictionMags thumbnail about J(oy) F(erris) Hutton: "He graduated from University of California; short story writer."

- Here is FictionMags's story list for J. F. Hutton (ss = short story; vi = vignette; na = novella):

  "Death Warrant," (ss) Thrilling Detective, August 1940

  "Good Neighbor," (ss) Double Detective, September 1940

  "Short-Cut," (ss) Detective Fiction Weekly, March 29, 1941

  "The Gimp’s Last Ride," (ss) Detective Tales, April 1942

  "Time to Retire," (ss) Detective Tales, November 1942

  "God from a Machine," (ss) Esquire, April 1943 (online HERE)

  "Strange Rendezvous," (vi) The American Magazine, July 1943

  "Three Days to Howl," (ss) New Detective Magazine, May 1944 (online HERE)

  "The White Cat," (ss) The Phantom Detective, June 1945

  "Seller of Souls," (na) Two Complete Detective Books #55, March 1949

  "The Bad Samaritan," (ss) Esquire, May 1951 (online HERE)

  "Justice," (ss) Fantastic Universe, March 1956 (above).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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Comic Crime

AS YOU probably already know, comic books didn't confine themselves only to graphic arts; a lot of them inserted very short text stories as well. Here are seven of them from those controversial crime comics of the Fifties, a few of which are of the perfect crime variety:

(1) "Be Careful, Killer!"

By Ric(hard White) Hasse (1916-94).

First appearance: Crime Smashers No. 5, July 1951.

Short short short story (2 pages).

Online at Comic Book Plus (HERE; go to page 26).

(Note: Faded but readable text.)

   "'Uncle Linton paid for that library,' he said aloud to himself, 'and now it's furnishing Uncle Linton's only nephew with a perfect alibi for the time of Uncle Linton's murder'."

Resources:

- Ric Hasse produced a good deal of short pulp fiction outside of the comics. Here's the FictionMags list for him (ss = short story):

 "The Merry Wives of Murder," (ss) Big-Book Detective Magazine, April 1942

 "Cupid Has Nine Lives," (ss) Gay Love Stories, December 1942

 "You Can’t Hang a Corpse," (ss) Thrilling Detective, March 1943

 "No Rest for the Wicked," (ss) Mammoth Detective, October 1946

 "Nitro at Midnight," (ss) 10-Story Detective Magazine, November 1946

 "I’ll Never Die Again," (ss) Ten Detective Aces, December 1946

 "Claim Your Own Dead," (ss) 10-Story Detective Magazine, January 1947

 "Too Old to Die," (ss) Ten Detective Aces, February 1947

 "Whistle While You Slay," (ss) 10-Story Detective Magazine, July 1947

 "Death Lights the Way," (ss) Thrilling Detective, October 1947

 "An Empire Crashes," (ss) Street & Smith’s Detective Story Magazine, October 1947

 "Frame for a Flatfoot," (ss) Ten Detective Aces, November 1947

 "Suicide Swag," (ss) 10-Story Detective Magazine, February 1948

 "Too Dumb to Live," (ss) 10-Story Detective Magazine, October 1948

 "Not by Blood Alone," (ss) Dime Detective Magazine, January 1950

 "Two Must Die!," (ss) New Detective Magazine, March 1950

 "Time to Throw Lead," (ss) Blazing Guns Western Story Magazine #3, February 1957.

(2) "Beast of Crime."

Unsigned.

First appearance: Crime-Fighting Detective No. 18, March 1952.

Short short short story (1 page).

Online at Comic Book Plus (HERE; go to page 23).

(Note: Text faded but legible.)

   "Midnight doesn't eat much and one never knows when a cat will come in handy."

(3) "Pattern for Murder."

Unsigned.

First appearance: Crime-Fighting Detective No. 18, March 1952.

Short short short story (1 page).

Online at Comic Book Plus (HERE; go to page 10).

(Note: Faded text but readable.)

   "His fingers began to pick nervously at the burnt-out butts in the tray."

(4) "Clue in the Cab."

Unsigned.

First appearance: Crime Detector No. 1, January 1954.

Short short short story (2 pages).

Online at Comic Book Plus (HERE; go to page 22).

   "If it weren't for a case of insomnia and a dough-hungry hacker, I don't know what might have happened to the Big Town!"

(5) "Dead Give-A-Way."

Unsigned.

First appearance: Crime-Fighting Detective No. 15, June 1951.

Short short short story (1 page).

Online at Comic Book Plus (HERE; go to page 18).

   "I had it planned so good."

(6) "The Hidden Witness."

Unsigned.

First appearance: Crime-Fighting Detective No. 16, September 1951.

Short short short story (1 page).

Online at Comic Book Plus (HERE; go to page 24).

(Note: Text very faded but legible.)

   "At the gun's flat report, the white head within the study fell forward."

(7) "Time Will Tell."

Unsigned.

First appearance: Crime-Fighting Detective, March 1951.

Short short short story (2 pages).

Online at Comic Book Plus (HERE; go to page 18).

(Note: Some text very blurry but readable.)

   "At one side of the room lay old Mark Baylor, a tall grandfather clock smashed across his back."

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"Maybe It's Just Some Drunk Being Funny, but If the Guy's Really Insane, Phone for a Cop, Unless You Think You Can Get a Gag Story."

"The Last Martian."

By Fredric Brown (1906-72; Wikipedia HERE; the ISFDb HERE; and the SFE HERE).
First appearance: Galaxy, October 1950.

Reprints page (ISFDb HERE).

Filmed in 1959 for the Alfred Hitchcock Presents TV series as "Human Interest Story" (WARNING! SPOILERS! IMDb HERE).

Short short story (7 pages).
Online at Archive.org (HERE; go to text page 145).

   "I'm a Martian. The last one. All the others are dead. I saw their bodies only two hours ago."

MEMORY is a tricky thing. It can make us think we know everything about something when in fact we're only remembering parts of it. Take Howard Wilcox, for instance, to all appearances just a regular guy with a steady job and a loving wife—but his memory insists he's from another planet. Fruity as a nutcake, right? Jaded newspaperman Bill Everett could be forgiven for thinking that, but, as it turns out, Everett has more than a casual interest in getting at the truth . . .

Principal characters:
~ Bill Everett, Slepper, Johnny Hale, Cargan, Barney Welch, and Yangan Dal (a.k.a. Howard Wilcox).

References:
- The Alfred Hitchcock Presents TV version is remarkably faithful to the original story. The title, "Human Interest Story," denotes a common brand of reportage:
  "In journalism, a human-interest story is a feature story that discusses people or pets in an emotional way. It presents people and their problems, concerns, or achievements in a way that brings about interest, sympathy or motivation in the reader or viewer. Human-interest stories are a type of soft news.
  "Human-interest stories may be 'the story behind the story' about an event, organization, or otherwise faceless historical happening, such as about the life of an individual soldier during wartime, an interview with a survivor of a natural disaster, a random act of kindness, or profile of someone known for a career achievement." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- Space references: Mars (HERE), Deimos (HERE), and Phobos (HERE).
- "It took me three days — Martian days, about six Earth days":
  Our author overestimates here: The solar day on Mars is only slightly longer than an Earth day: 24 hours, 39 minutes, and 35.244 seconds, whereas Earth's day is 23 hours 56 minutes 4.100 seconds. Of course, Brown was writing in 1949, long before the space probes of the 1960s spoiled the fun.

Resource:
- Our latest encounter with Fredric Brown, one of our favorite authors, was "The Power," the tale of a man who didn't deserve what he had but did deserve what he got (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.
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The Adventure of the Missing Saucepans

"Sherlock Holmes in Russia."

Reprinted in Russian Essays and Stories (1908) by Maurice Baring (1874-1945; Wikipedia HERE; the ISFDb HERE; and the SFE HERE).

First appearance: The Daily Post, December 23, 1907.

Short story (10 pages as a PDF).

Online at Project Gutenberg (HERE), Archive.org (HERE), and Gaslight Weekly (HERE).

   "It frequently happens that problems which appeared to consist of mere trifles turn out to be matters of deep importance and difficult of solution."

THERE will always be days when you're better off just staying in bed . . .

Main characters:

~ Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Watson, Prince B-- and his wife, Prince Alexander and Princess Barbara, the butler, the young man, Mavra, the village policeman, and the station-master.

Reference:

- "I concluded that he had introduced the game of skat, of which German students are exceedingly fond, to you":

  "Skat, historically Scat, is a three-player trick-taking card game of the ace–ten family, devised around 1810 in Altenburg in the Duchy of Saxe-Gotha-Altenburg. It is the national game of Germany and, along with Doppelkopf, it is the most popular card game in Germany and Silesia and one of the most popular in the rest of Poland. A variant of 19th-century Skat was once popular in the U.S. John McLeod considers it one of the best and most interesting card games for three players, and Kelbet described it as 'the king of German card games.' The German Skat Association assesses that it is played by around 25 million Germans – more than play football." (Wikipedia HERE.)

Resource:

- Maurice Baring took another playful swipe at the Sage of Baker Street (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"What Barbarians!"

"No Help Wanted."

By Alfred Bester (1913-87; Wikipedia HERE; the ISFDb HERE; the SFE HERE; and the IMDb HERE).

First appearance: Thrilling Wonder Stories, December 1939.

Short short short story (1 page).

Online at SFFAudio (HERE).

   "I should have thought you too intelligent for that sort of drivel."

JUST because you read it in a book doesn't make you an expert in something; experience is and always will be the best teacher . . .

Principal characters:

~ The unnamed narrator ("I was stranded, penniless, with no possibility of communicating with my chief for at least another six months") and Dr. Barton ("Come and see me again when you've studied a lot more").

References:

- Astronomers mentioned (Wikipedia links): Lowell (HERE), Pickering (HERE), Antoniadi (HERE), Slipher (HERE), and Very (HERE).

- "the canals of Mars":

  It's amazing how a typographical error can lead to a cultural obsession. (Wikipedia HERE).

  If you're really interested (and we mean really interested) in how Percival Lowell presented his thoughts about Mars and its possible inhabitants to the early 20th century public, see these articles, all available on UNZ:

  (1) "Mars" in The Atlantic Monthly (HERE), (HERE), (HERE) and (HERE).

  (2) "Is Mars Inhabited?" in The Outlook (HERE).

  (3) "The Planet Mars" in McClure's (HERE).

  (4) and "Mars As the Abode of Life" in The Century (HERE), (HERE), (HERE), (HERE), (HERE), (HERE), and (HERE).

Resource:

- Our latest look at Alfred Bester's fiction was "Fondly Fahrenheit" (HERE).

The bottom line:

Artwork by Wally Wood.

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"Maybe a State Police Crowd Could Have Handled It Better, but I Don’t Know."

"Murder Money."

By Ellis Parker Butler (1869-1937; Wikipedia HERE and the IMDb HERE).

First appearance: Argosy, March 9, 1935.

Short short story (9 pages).

Online at the Pulpgen Archive (HERE).

   "Sort of reverse English, huh?"

IF a middle-aged Huck Finn had ever decided to kick back in front of the fireplace and recount a tale of murder, it might have looked something like this . . .

Main characters:

~ George, Rance Dalton, Sheriff Elbert Donworthy, Andy Fuller, Mose Brown, Orty Jones, Terry Breen, Milt Morris, Pen Harmon, Phil Straus, Mrs. Eliza Gunnerson, Brick and Bessie, Doc Overton, and the unnamed tramp (and, yes, one of them is the killer).

Typo: “'Hands up!' she [he] ordered."

References:

- "The country was full of men out of work"; "The depression must be over":

  This being 1935, of course, the Not-So-Great Depression was still on everybody's mind:

  "In the United States, the Great Depression began with the Wall Street Crash of October 1929 and then spread worldwide. The nadir came in 1931–1933, and recovery came in 1940. The stock market crash marked the beginning of a decade of high unemployment, famine, poverty, low profits, deflation, plunging farm incomes, and lost opportunities for economic growth as well as for personal advancement." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "until prohibition got wiped out":

  "The Prohibition era was the period from 1920 to 1933 when the United States prohibited the production, importation, transportation, and sale of alcoholic beverages. The alcohol industry was curtailed by a succession of state legislatures, and Prohibition was formally introduced nationwide under the Eighteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution, ratified on January 16, 1919. Prohibition ended with the ratification of the Twenty-first Amendment, which repealed the Eighteenth Amendment on December 5, 1933." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "put the hounds on his tracks":

  "A hound is a type of hunting dog used by hunters to track or chase prey. What makes hounds unique is the way they hunt; some, known as scent hounds, follow trails with their powerful noses, while others, called sighthounds, rely on their sharp vision and speed to spot and chase prey across open land. Breeds like the Beagle, Bloodhound, and Greyhound are well-known examples." (Wikipedia HERE.)

Resource:

- Earlier this year we spent some time with Ellis Parker Butler's Great Near-Detective, Oliver Spotts (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"The Hand on His Automatic Trembled a Little"

"Number Three Dog."

By William Byron Mowery (1899-1957; Pulpflakes HERE; Wikisource HERE; and the IMDb HERE).

Illustrated by Austin Briggs (1908-73; Field Guide to Wild American Pulp Artists HERE).

First appearance: Blue Book, July 1938.

Short short short story (2 pages).

Online at Archive.org (HERE; go to text page 42).

   "With a snarl the man whipped out a blue automatic."

BILLIONS have been spent on research into criminal profiling, but today's sleuth shows how to do it on the cheap . . .

Principal characters:

~ McNain ("Four nights in a row, he mused, and not the slightest progress") and Smoky Belger ("How the hell did you know I was in that line?").

The Moment:

  An idea sprang into McNain's mind. "I've got it!" he exulted. "I've got it!"

References:

- "the red-jacketed dog"; "the electric hare":

  The background of today's story is dog racing (Wikipedia HERE), particularly as it's done in the United States (Wikipedia HERE). When McNain says "to go back North with me," there's an implication that they're in Florida, which had big time greyhound racing until a referendum banned it in 2020.

- "Pride goeth before destruction":

  The full quote: "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall." (Proverbs 16:18; Bible Gateway HERE).

Resources:

- The FictionMags thumbnail for William Byron Mowery: "Teacher, naturalist and novelist. Born in Adelphia, Ohio; on faculty at University of Illinois, then became full time writer, with more than 450 published stories, screenwriter."

- It has been almost nine years since we examined Mowery's "The Seventh Man" (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"One of the Best Movie-Makers in the Business"

PEOPLE keep making the mistake of thinking that Alfred Hitchcock made mystery films (or, heaven forfend, detective movies); far from it. Hitchcock made suspense films, with all of the action pivoting around some THING that serves to kickstart the story. He called it the "maguffin" (variously spelled), and as far as he was concerned it didn't matter what the thing was (a dead body, a case of mistaken identity, a cryptic message, a suspicious-looking bottle of wine)—it really didn't matter. This attitude probably derived from his exposure to the concept of "pure cinema," the elusive goal of achieving perfect expression through the medium of film unencumbered by story-telling conventions. But the opposite actually happened. His movies were based on some pre-existing literature that served as the matrix for the maguffin to simmer inside of, albeit the original source seldom survived intact. 

  All of this serves as a rather long-winded introduction to a short posting about a film that caught the public's eye in 1935 and helped land Hitchcock solidly in Hollywood the next decade. Note how the critic hits upon the themes that appealed to general audiences at the time and which Hitchcock was happy to repeat for the next thirty-plus years.

A review of The 39 Steps by Pare Lorentz, McCall's Magazine, September 1935.

Resources:

- Wikipedia has a page devoted to The 39 Steps (WARNING! SPOILERS! HERE), and there's a TCM page (WARNING! SPOILERS! HERE).

- Last year we came across a profile article of Hitchcock during his golden days in Hollywood (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"Here and There, Light-years from Earth, Were Little Worlds Without Women—and Not Happy About It"

AT THE VERY LEAST, getting something done in this world requires these particular elements as an absolute minimum: the will to get it done, the materials to do it, and the people to accomplish it. Today's story focuses on that last element, when a careless wheeler-dealer learns the hard way to . . .

"Accept No Substitutes."

By Robert Sheckley (1928-2005; Wikipedia HERE; the ISFDb HERE; the SFE HERE; and the IMDb HERE).

First appearance: Infinity Science Fiction, March 1958.

Illustrated by Ed Emsh (1925-90; ISFDb HERE).

Short story (11 pages).

Online at SFFAudio (HERE).

   "At point-blank range, Garvey fired his last shot."

MORALE is a vital component in any organized endeavor. When it comes to settling the Final Frontier, it can be the difference between success and failure—or even death. The would-be morale-booster in today's tale, however, chooses to ignore what are clearly warning signs of an imminent major fubar situation . . .

Main characters:

~ Ralph Garvey ("Perhaps real girls were best, after all"), Eddie Starbuck ("Look, boy, you'd better see a doctor. You aren't looking so good"), Edward Danzer ("give yourself up now, while there's still time. And remember: crime does not pay"), and the surrogate ("gave no sign of understanding").

References:

- Astronomical mentions (Wikipedia links): Cassiopeia (HERE), Algol (HERE), Deneb (HERE), Venus (HERE), Mars (HERE), and Titan (HERE).

- "stimulus-response mechanisms":

  "The stimulus–response model is a conceptual framework in psychology that describes how individuals react to external stimuli. According to this model, an external stimulus triggers a reaction in an organism, often without the need for conscious thought. This model emphasizes the mechanistic aspects of behavior, suggesting that behavior can often be predicted and controlled by understanding and manipulating the stimuli that trigger responses." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "conditioned reflexes":

  "As an adaptive mechanism, emotional conditioning helps shield an individual from harm or prepare it for important biological events such as sexual activity. Thus, a stimulus that has occurred before sexual interaction comes to cause sexual arousal, which prepares the individual for sexual contact." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "What passed for a tender love embrace on Algol would probably fracture the ribs of an Earthman":

  Years after this story, TV aliens have been shown to have similar proclivities:

  "Klingon mating rituals involve dominant and combative attitudes and rituals. In the constructed Klingon language, parmaqqaypu' (singular parmaqqay) are chosen mates for dedicated recreational sexual congress. As The Doctor from Voyager commented, it is considered a good omen if a clavicle is broken during the wedding night. In Star Trek films and series, a Klingon biting someone indicates their desire to mate.

  "In the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode 'The Dauphin,' Worf states that the mating ritual consists of a woman roaring, throwing things at the male, and occasionally clawing at him while the male reads love poetry and 'ducks a lot'." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "The men grew sullen, quarrelsome, violent":

  We're thinking that "Mudd's Women" (from Star Trek, 1966; WARNING! SPOILERS! Wikipedia HERE) might have been inspired by today's story.

- Another TV show that concerned human-nonhuman intimacy is "The Lonely" (from The Twilight Zone, 1959; WARNING! SPOILERS! Wikipedia HERE).

Resource:

- Robert Sheckley also dealt with marital relations in another story, "The Special Exhibit" (HERE).

The bottom line:

GALACTIC EXTERMINATORS
For Those Hard-to-Reach Places

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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Pay Up

DID you ever finish a story and feel that there should have been more? A Canadian with a puckish sense of humor feels moved to let us know he's had similar experiences, including one with regard to a certain consulting detective . . .

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

The Sequel to Some Famous World Stories

  I think it was Mark Twain who once explained that most of the famous anecdotes and stories stopped too soon and ought to have been carried on to show what happened next. It was either Mark Twain or Artemus Ward or somebody. At any rate, the idea is a good one.

Pursuing that thought . . .

  It has occurred to me also that the same principle might be applied to the elucidation of our fiction. Very often it stops just at the point where the reader would like to know what happened next. For example—to take one random example out of an infinite number—take the very familiar ending of a certain type of detective story. The mystery, thanks, let us say, to the penetrating logic and the tireless patience of Sherlock Holmes, has been solved. Lord Bughouse’s documents, the loss of which would have carried down the United Kingdom, have been found. The country is safe, and with it is saved the honor of Lord Bughouse. It is the final scene of the story. “Mr. Holmes,” said Lord Bughouse, deeply moved, “words cannot express my obligation to you. I know that you do not work for money, but you must at least let me defray the expenses to which you have been put.”

  After which Lord Bughouse is shown downstairs to his Brougham, and the story ends. But it shouldn’t. There ought to be another chapter under the heading:

SHERLOCK HOLMES SENDS IN HIS BILL

  There can be no doubt that if the activities of the great detective in fiction were charged up, like those of a lawyer, or an engineer, or a doctor, the cost would be high. Such as this:—

  (1) Remaining in profound thought (opening chapter) at $25.00 an hour: $50.00

  (2) Forging an inexorable chain of logic, at $10.00 a link: $2,000.00

  (3) Intense reflection in armchair pursued apparently for six months at $30.00 an

evening: $5,000.00

  (4) Outside activities for 6 months, including railroad fares to Constantinople and back: $10,000.00

  (5) Taxi Cab left with engine running in Chapter III and forgotten: $15,000.00

  (6) Services of 16 railway porters, 20 nightwatchmen, and 80 taxi cab drivers in gathering clues at $5.00 per day per clue: $20,000.00

     Total: $52,050.00

  “After all,” said Lord Bughouse, as he wrote a check on the Treasury for the amount, “I doubt if it was worth it.”

From Stephen Leacock's Funny Pieces (1936) at Fadedpage (HERE; page 123).

Resources:

- Fadedpage of Canada has an impressive collection of Stephen Leacock's productions (HERE).

- It has been quite a while since we last ran into Leacock ("The Criminal Face," "Confessions of a Super-Extra-Criminal," "A Midsummer Detective Mystery," and "Living with Murder"), which are all (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"It's Surprising How Many Ways You Can Figure Out To Kill a Guy Once You Put Your Mind to It"

THE characters who inhabit the violent noir universe don't often feel constrained by moral conventions, as these three stories amply demonstrate . . .

(1) "The Set-up."

By Sam Cobb (?-?).

First appearance: Manhunt, January 1953.

Short short short story (3 pages).

Online at SFFAudio (HERE).

Principal characters:

~ The unnamed narrator, Perkins, Francie, Kozlewski, "a mangy character," and his wife.

(2) "Round-Robin with Rifles."

By Ralph Cherry (?-?).

First appearance: Murder, September 1956.

Short short short story (3 pages).

Online at SFFAudio (HERE).

Principal characters:

~ Mike Keller, Jay Maleet, and Nell.

(3) "Sweet Vengeance."

By Lee Harbaugh (?-?).

First appearance: Murder, September 1956.

Short short short story (4 pages).

Online at SFFAudio (HERE).

Principal characters:

~ Frank, Ed, and Ione (in absentia).

Resources:

- We freely admit that we aren't a big fan of noir fiction, preferring characters who at the very least use their heads for more than just punching bags, but if you're interested in the genre, then see the Wikipedia articles "Noir Fiction" (HERE) and "Film Noir" (HERE).

- You might agree that today's tales are not primo noir, but stylistically brilliant virtuosos like Cornell Woolrich don't come around every day. It's for that reason that ONTOS has recognized Woolrich (a.k.a. William Irish) on several occasions: The Leopard Man (HERE), "All at Once, No Alice" (HERE), "Dilemma of the Dead Lady" (HERE), and "Death in the Air" (HERE).

- There is also plenty relating to Woolrich on Steve Lewis's Mystery*File (search page starting HERE).

- Hartford Stage has a short biographical sketch of Woolrich (HERE), and Matthew Schwab fits Woolrich into "The Pulp Fiction Renaissance" (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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