"Only Brains Will Get You Out of This Mess"

WE should be grateful that most criminals aren't nearly as smart as they think they are; for examples, take these two stories, both by the same author . . .

(1) "Keep Your Wits!"

By John Baer (?-?).

First appearance: Detective Story Magazine, December 18, 1926.

Short short story (6 pages).

Online at Archive.org (HERE).

(Note: Text faded.)

   "CRIMINALS are sometimes caught by extremely clever detective work; sometimes criminals convict themselves through sheer stupidity. And in other cases, a set of entirely unexpected circumstances and coincidences combine to enmesh the criminal in the net of the law. This combination of accidents is generally called 'fate,' the criminal himself is apt to term it dumb luck."

THE lesson is clear: If you hope to get away with a perfect crime, then make sure you've thought of everything: "Walls had been knocked down, and other walls set up; the dumb-waiter opening had been widened, and a self-running elevator built into it—a device that was often out of order" . . .

Principal characters:

~ Hy Kolmer ("He was a quick-witted man, this Hy Kolmer, and he took no end of pride in the fact"), Carl Marquard ("catered to what he called the sporting element; his house was generally well filled during the fall and winter months"), Mrs. Marquard ("Carl! Carl! Peat forgot his glasses!"), Raymond Peat ("was very proud of the collection and displayed it to the other house guests both at the dining table and in his room"), and Detective Cary ("He was clever, but fate turned his very cleverness against him").

Comment: This one is vaguely reminiscent of an Agatha Christie short story that appeared several years before.

(2) "More Than He Could Chew."

By John Baer (?-?).

First appearance: Detective Story Magazine, April 16, 1927.

Short short story (8 pages).

Online at Archive.org (HERE).

   "In the end, he bragged his head off. We don’t mean that as a colloquialism. We mean it literally."

"IF people will bring dynamite into a powder factory, they must expect explosions." So saith Dorothy Sayers. Charley Ney is one of those people who are constantly hauling a load of emotional dynamite around, so the world had better step aside or else. That's the way it's always been—until Charley makes first one mistake in killing someone and then another mistake in thinking he won't be held responsible for it. Unlucky for Charley, there's somebody, someone close, who strongly disagrees . . .

Principal characters:

~ Bosco Charley Ney ("It was an even bet among the boys that when you met the Bosco he would be noisily crunching something hard and sweet between his teeth"), Willy Reiger ("possessed an uncontrollable temper, and this led to his undoing"), Benny Peplaw ("told the story and Ney and Brock swore to it"), Norman Dike ("It is my intention to use my head, not my fists or a gun"), Mr. Massinger ("Murder is murder"), Sicondo ("Watch out with that stuff. I don’t want this place blown up"), and Little Eddy Coyle ("toppled over in a faint").

Reference:

- "the nitroglycerin" (HERE).

Resource:

- Our only other encounter with John Baer so far was his dive into dental criminality, "Murder in Haste" (HERE).

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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