"You Mean, Mister, That a Man Oughter Be Able To Do a Murder an' Not Be Found Out?"

JUST AS SOME WRITERS seem to be born to make us laugh while others have a flair for drama, there is a subset of authors who are adept at producing crime fiction. Not detective fiction writers, mind you—that requires its own specialized skill set—but authors who are capable of delivering the goods when it comes to the impulses for crime. One such is today's author. We've dealt with him before and found his crime fiction . . . adequate. While he is justifiably famous for one of the most successful fantasies in book publishing and movie history, we've noticed that he did dabble in crime fiction; Ellery Queen (the editor) noticed, too, and took pains to reprint three of his stories, the first one of which is . . .

"The Mallet."

By James Hilton (1900-54; Wikipedia HERE; FadedPage HERE; the IMDb HERE; and Roy Glashan's Library HERE).

First appearance: Hutchinson's Story-Magazine, July 1929.

Reprinted in:

  A Century of Horror, 1935

  Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine, September 1942 (this version)

  Best Stories from Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine, 1944

  To the Queen’s Taste, 1946

  Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine (Australia) #1, July 1947

  Shafts of Fear, 1964

  The Best Crime Stories, 1984

  Ellery Queen's Mystery Magazine, April 1988

  The Best Crime Stories, 1990.

Long short story (17 pages).

Online at Roy Glashan's Library (RGL) (HERE).

   "Then, by God, ain't it eashy—eashy as kishin' a pretty woman like yo' wife—throw mallet on shlag-heap—an' in a minute—two minitsh—all burned to shinder!"

FOR THOUSANDS of years men have repeatedly proven the validity of the saying "In vino veritas." It's too bad for a conceited snake oil huckster that on this one occasion he chooses to ignore centuries of experience . . .

Principal characters:

~ Doctor Parker Potterson ("Now Potterson was extremely susceptible to pretty young women, and to exercise his charm over them was the keenest of all his vanities. Wherefore, with a deliberation and a confidence born of long practice, he smiled at her"), Bert ("A little under-sized hollow-chested man, pale and careworn, shabbily dressed—the sort that is born to say 'Sir' to everybody"), and Bert's wife ("She found him irresistible, of course, as all women did").

References and resources:

- "a lounge-lizard":

  "A lounge lizard is a man who frequents social establishments with the intention of seducing a woman with his flattery and deceptive charm. The term is reported to have 

arisen around 1915 in New York." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "a Berserker fierceness hammered at his temples":

  "In the Old Norse written corpus, berserkers (Old Norse: berserkir) were those who were said to have fought in a trance-like fury, a characteristic which later gave rise to the modern English word berserk, meaning 'furiously violent or out of control'." (Wikipedia HERE.)

  Fearsome Berserkers have even worked their way into modern science fiction, which in turn has shaped a hazy theory:

  "The Berserker hypothesis, also known as the deadly probes scenario, is the idea that humans have not yet detected intelligent alien life in the universe because it has been systematically destroyed by a series of lethal Von Neumann probes. The hypothesis is 

named after the Berserker series of novels (1963–2005) written by Fred Saberhagen." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "a slag-heap":

  "A spoil tip (also called a boney pile, culm bank, gob pile, waste tip or bing) is a pile built of accumulated spoil – waste material removed during mining. Spoil tips are not formed of slag, but in some areas, such as England and Wales, they are referred to as slag heaps. In Scotland the word bing is used. In North American English the term is mine dump or mine waste dump." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- We previously perused Hilton's crime story, "The Perfect Plan" (HERE).

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"He Ain't at the Morgue"

"He Had a Big Heart."

By Frank Quattrocchi (?-?; ISFDb HERE and IMDb HERE).

First appearance: Fantasy & Science Fiction (F&SF), March 1955.

Reprinted in An ABC of Science Fiction, 1966 (ISFDb HERE).

Short story (11 pages).

Online at SFFAudio (HERE).

   "He stole a heart that didn’t belong to him."

MOST technological innovations are beneficial to humanity; those that aren't are what we call "weapons." Any machine that extends life should be a benefit, and the one devised by Dr. Hendler and his colleagues definitely is. However, with this particular innovation there's a catch . . .

Main characters:

~ Dave Bailey ("DOA"), Babe ("She was cryin’ and runnin’ — she just had on a neg-lee-gee, you know"), Peetie, the newsboy ("That brother of yours has sure got a big heart"), Rick Jameson ("chose League night to put a .38 slug straight through my brother Dave’s heart"), Paul Wilson ("They’re going to want you at the morgue"), Henry Bailey ("this was becoming quite a story and such things usually don’t happen to people like me — or Dave either"), Dr. Hendler ("Your brother isn’t quite dead"), Pat O’Neal, the reporter for the Daily News ("The doc wants his heart back"), John Ritt ("You tell him I got a little deal working which I will contact him about"), Donald Pickett ("the sponsor of the mechanical heart has heart trouble"), Murphy ("Murder?"), and Frank Stolle ("one of the pin boys").

References and resources:

- "He's at Georgia Street right now"

- "After all, maybe there was a chance to make the bowling League’s third game. It would be a whole lot better than them taking two-thirds of my average":

  "A bowling league is a competitive event in which teams bowl against each other over the course of a season." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "For several years now my colleagues and I have been working on a very very complex machine . . .":

  "In 1949, a precursor to the modern artificial heart pump was built by doctors William Sewell and William Glenn of the Yale School of Medicine using an Erector Set, assorted odds and ends, and dime-store toys. The external pump successfully bypassed the heart of a dog for more than an hour." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "a shmoo-shaped flying saucer":

  "The shmoo (plural: shmoos, also shmoon) is a fictional cartoon creature created by Al Capp (1909–1979); the character first appeared in the comic strip Li'l Abner on August 31, 1948. The character created a fad that lasted into the 1950s, including merchandise, songs, fan clubs, and appearances on magazine covers." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "the story of Marilyn Monroe’s calendar":

  "Marilyn Monroe (born Norma Jeane Mortenson; 1926–1962) was an American actress and model. Known for playing comic 'blonde bombshell' characters, she became one of the most popular sex symbols of the 1950s and early 1960s, as well as an emblem of the era's sexual revolution. She was a top-billed actress for a decade, and her films grossed $200 million (equivalent to $2 billion in 2023) by the time of her death in 1962." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "anti-vivisection pitch":

  "Anti-vivisectionists have played roles in the emergence of the animal welfare and animal rights movements, arguing that animals and humans have the same natural rights as living creatures, and that it is inherently immoral to inflict pain or injury on another living creature, regardless of the purpose or potential benefit to mankind." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "sandwich cards":

  "A sandwich board is a type of advertisement tool composed of two boards with a message or graphic on it and being either carried by a person, with one board in front and one behind in a triangle shape, hinged along the top, creating a 'sandwich' effect; or set up next to a store advertising its goods. In this way, the advertising message can be read on both sides interchangeably." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "handbills":

  "A flyer is also called a 'palm card,' 'circular,' 'handbill,' 'pamphlet,' 'poster,' 'lit' (literature), 'weekly ad,' 'catalogue' or 'leaflet'." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "straight from a Pershing Square park bench debate":

  "Pershing Square is a small public park in Downtown Los Angeles, California, one square block in size, bounded by 5th Street to the north, 6th Street to the south, Hill Street to the east, and Olive Street to the west. Originally dedicated in 1866 by Mayor Cristóbal Aguilar as La Plaza Abaja, the square has had numerous names over the years until it was finally dedicated in honor of General John J. Pershing in 1918." (Wikipedia HERE.)

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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UPDATE: "Cold Chills from Santa"

Added "Investigating Santa Claus" (HERE).

"A Private Nick"

THE NEXT TWO STORIES aren't recommended for everyone, especially those of you who are trying to sustain a holiday spirit. So we're issuing a warning: From these tales you probably won't get much . . .

(1) "Comfort and Joy."

By Tim Pratt (born 1976; Wikipedia HERE; the ISFDb HERE; the SFE HERE; and his Homepage HERE).

Illustrated by Bo Kaier (ISFDb HERE).

First appearance: Drabblecast, January 16, 2020.

Short story (11 pages as a PDF).

Online at Drabblecast (HERE).

(Parental caution: Foul language.)

   "My job was to nudge, to encourage, and (let's be honest) to bribe the ones who could be persuaded into good behavior."

IS bribery a crime when it yields good results? And what about murder? "He looked good from the outside, but underneath, he was all worms and mold and ruin" . . .

Principal characters:

~ Nick ("I don’t want you to become what I’ve had to become"), Ruprecht ("You’re still looking out for everyone else, aren’t you?"), Rudy ("I sat there for a while, and then Rudy came back with most of an alligator stuck on her antlers"), and Roger Malloy ("Not a physically imposing specimen, but then, he liked to pick on people a lot smaller than him").

Typo: "they when they got big".

References:

- "Ruprecht":

  "Knecht Ruprecht (English: Farmhand Rupert, Servant Rupert or Farmhand Robert, Servant Robert) is a companion of Saint Nicholas as described in the folklore of Germany. He is the most popular gift-bringing character in Germany after Saint Nicholas, Christkindl, and Der Weihnachtsmann but is virtually unknown outside the country. He first appears in written sources in the 17th century, as a figure in a Nuremberg Christmas procession." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "nobody knows how to make posset anymore":

  "A posset was originally a popular British hot drink made of milk curdled with wine or ale, often spiced, which was often used as a remedy. The original drink became extinct and the name was revived in the 19th century and applied to a cream, sugar and citrus-based confection, which is consumed today as a cold set dessert nearly indistinguishable from syllabub." (Wikipedia HERE.)

The next story is the sequel to "Comfort and Joy":

(2) "Midnight Clear, or, How Santa Claus Killed the Sun."

By Tim Pratt (see above for bio/bibliographic data).

Illustrated by Łukasz Godlewski.

Short story (11 pages as a PDF).

Online at Drabblecast (HERE).

(Parental caution: Foul language.)

   "You learn to move quietly when you spend most of your career infiltrating the homes of children suffering from anticipation-induced insomnia."

AMBROSE BIERCE opined: "There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy." The problem for Nick is figuring out which one Tisiphone 

is urging him to commit . . .

Principal characters:

~ Tisiphone ("I need your help"), Nick ("Do I look like some kind of private eye to you?"), Rudy ("She doesn’t like bullies, and she has a streak of anger that needs to be worked out"), and "An old man in a white robe" ("Isn’t it a little early for you? I thought it was November").

References and resources:

- "Yes, Tisiphone":

  "Tisiphone, or Tilphousia, was one of the three Erinyes or Furies. Her sisters were Alecto and Megaera. She and her sisters punished crimes of murder: parricide, fratricide and homicide." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- From the story:

  “You could always light your own fires before.”

  “Oh, I still can, but it’s nice to have help.”

  An echo of Bogie and Bacall in To Have and Have Not (1944). (WARNING! SPOILERS! Wikipedia HERE.)

- "That’s what got Orestes in trouble, as I recall":

  "In Aeschylus's Eumenides, Orestes goes mad after killing his mother and is pursued by the Erinyes (Furies), whose duty it is to punish any violation of the ties of family piety.

  . . . "Orestes appears also to be a dramatic prototype for all persons whose crime is mitigated by extenuating circumstances. These legends belong to an age when higher ideas of law and of social duty were being established; the implacable blood-feud of primitive society gives place to a fair trial, and in Athens, when the votes of the judges are evenly divided, mercy prevails." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "You’re talking about Apollo":

  "Apollo is one of the Olympian deities in classical Greek and Roman religion and Greek and Roman mythology. Apollo has been recognized as a god of archery, music and dance, truth and prophecy, healing and diseases, the Sun and light, poetry, and more. One of the most important and complex of the Greek gods, he is the son of Zeus and Leto, and the twin brother of Artemis, goddess of the hunt." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "Mithras is long gone":

  "Mithraism, also known as the Mithraic mysteries or the Cult of Mithras, was a Roman mystery religion centered on the god Mithras. Although inspired by Iranian worship of the Zoroastrian divinity (yazata) Mithra, the Roman Mithras was linked to a new and distinctive imagery, and the level of continuity between Persian and Greco-Roman practice remains debatable." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "The Great God Pan is dead":

  "In ancient Greek religion and mythology, Pan is the god of the wild, shepherds and flocks, rustic music and impromptus, and companion of the nymphs. He has the hindquarters, legs, and horns of a goat, in the same manner as a faun or satyr. With his homeland in rustic Arcadia, he is also recognized as the god of fields, groves, wooded glens, and often affiliated with sex; because of this, Pan is connected to fertility and the season of spring."

  . . . "In Pseudo-Plutarch's De defectu oraculorum ('The Obsolescence of Oracles'), Pan is the only Greek god who actually dies. During the reign of Tiberius (A.D. 14–37), the news of Pan's death came to one Thamus, a sailor on his way to Italy by way of the Greek island of Paxi. A divine voice hailed him across the salt water, 'Thamus, are you there? When you reach Palodes, take care to proclaim that the great god Pan is dead.' Which Thamus did, and the news was greeted from shore with groans and laments."

  . . . "The cry 'The Great Pan is dead' has appealed to poets, such as John Milton, in his ecstatic celebration of Christian peace, On the Morning of Christ's Nativity line 89, Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and Louisa May Alcott." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "it was an artifact of Erebos or Nyx":

  "In Greek mythology, Erebus or Erebos, is the personification of darkness. In Hesiod's Theogony, he is the offspring of Chaos, and the father of Aether and Hemera (Day) by Nyx (Night); in other Greek cosmogonies, he is the father of Aether, Eros, and Metis, or the first ruler of the gods. In genealogies given by Roman authors, he begets a large progeny of personifications upon Nox (the Roman equivalent of Nyx), while in an Orphic theogony, he is the offspring of Chronos (Time).

  "The name 'Erebus' is also used to refer either to the darkness of the Underworld, the Underworld itself, or the region through which souls pass to reach Hades, and can sometimes be used as a synonym for Tartarus or Hades." 

  . . . "In Greek mythology, Nyx is the goddess and personification of the night. In Hesiod's Theogony, she is the offspring of Chaos, and the mother of Aether and Hemera (Day) by Erebus (Darkness). By herself, she produces a brood of children which are mainly personifications of primarily negative forces. She features in a number of early cosmogonies, which place her as one of the first deities to exist. In the works of poets and playwrights, she lives at the ends of the Earth, and is often described as a black-robed goddess who drives through the sky in a chariot pulled by horses. In the Iliad, Homer relates that even Zeus fears to displease her." (Wikipedia HERE and HERE.)

'Erebus' by Michael Whelan (1977)

- "It’s that Sol Invictus thing—the unconquerable sun":

  "Sol Invictus (Classical Latin: 'Invincible Sun' or 'Unconquered Sun') was the official sun god of the late Roman Empire and a later version of the god Sol. The emperor Aurelian revived his cult in 274 CE and promoted Sol Invictus as the chief god of the empire. From Aurelian onward, Sol Invictus often appeared on imperial coinage, usually shown wearing a sun crown and driving a horse-drawn chariot through the sky. His prominence lasted until the emperor Constantine I legalized Christianity and restricted paganism. The last known inscription referring to Sol Invictus dates to CE 387, although there were enough devotees in the fifth century that the Christian theologian Augustine found it necessary to preach against them." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "Phoenix from the ashes":

  They even named a town after it.

  "The phoenix is an immortal bird that cyclically regenerates or is otherwise born again. While it is part of Greek mythology, it has analogs in many cultures, such as Egyptian and Persian mythology. Associated with the sun, a phoenix obtains new life by rising from the ashes of its predecessor. Some legends say it dies in a show of flames and combustion, while others that it simply dies and decomposes before being born again." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- Just about everything there is to know about the prototype of our protagonist is in Wikipedia (HERE and HERE).

- If you haven't gotten enough of our author's Yuletide takes, there are others:

  "The Ghost of Christmas Possible" (audio HERE)

  "Catching the Spirit" (audio HERE)

  "Elf Employment" (audio HERE)

  "The Christmas Abomination from Beyond the Back of the Stars" (HERE) and a short review (HERE)

  "Dirty Santa" (HERE)

  "The Cursed Noel" (HERE)

  "Lockdown Around the Christmas Tree" (audio HERE)

  "Skipping Christmas" (HERE).

- Kevin J. Anderson also took a dim view of the Season with "Santa Claus Is Coming . . . To Get You!" (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"Mikki Maus"

IN TODAY'S STORY we seem to have Anthony Boucher's alternative take on EQ's "The Adventure of The Mad Tea Party," as a Yuletide celebration degenerates into a hunt for missing jewels and whoever took them, unavoidably resulting in a . . .

"Mystery for Christmas."

By Anthony Boucher (1911-68; Wikipedia HERE; the ISFDb HERE; the SFE HERE; and the IMDb HERE).

(Click on image to enlarge.)

First appearance: EQMM, January 1943 (today's text).

Reprinted in:

 The Saint’s Choice v6, 1946

 Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine (Australia) #11, May 1948

 Crime for Two, 1955

 The Illustrated London News, November 8, 1957

 Ellery Queen’s Anthology #3, 1962

 Exeunt Murderers, 1983

 Mystery for Christmas, 1990

 Merry Murder, 1994

 Murder Most Merry, 2002.

Short story (15 pages).

Online at Archive.org (HERE) and The Luminist Archives (HERE; go to text page 5).

   "Damme, sir, it’s obvious."

IF YOU'RE A POLICEMAN, then you just know it's going to be a weird case when your prime suspects are Mickey Mouse, Snow White and Dopey, Donald Duck, and one of the Three Little Pigs; and Minnie Mouse seems to think that at least one of them abducted her jewelry from her bedroom right in the middle of a Christmas party. A very unlikely pair of sleuths, one a baffled cop ("to be honest I don’t know as I’m very bright") and the other an acerbic, unemployed, hardly overly modest screenwriter ("I, sir, am what makes writers tick"), embark on a quest, not for the Golden Fleece, but for a missing necklace (comprised, Minnie says, of "my emeralds and rubies") . . .

Main characters:

~ Mr. Quilter ("He was also, he might have added, what makes detectives tick"), Officer Tom Smith ("He smiled wryly and indicated his wounded arm"), Aram Melekian ("Go play with your blue pencil"), Lieutenant Michaels ("He knows a thing or two just the same, and his left eyebrow does tricks when he hears or sees something that isn’t kosher. It was doing tricks now"), Beverly Benson ("She was dressed like Minnie Mouse"), Daniel Wappingham ("So the fat’s in the fire at last"), Harvey Madison ("occupation, actor’s representative — tenpercenter to you"), Philip Newton ("A Newton photograph was The Thing to Have in the smart Hollywood set"), Jane Newton ("Then she said 'Philip' and fainted"), and Bela Strauss ("But this thief of jewels — him I have seen").

References and resources:

- "his rickety Model A":

  "The Ford Model A (also colloquially called the A-Model Ford or the A, and A-bone among hot rodders and customizers) is the Ford Motor Company's second market success, replacing the venerable Model T which had been produced for 18 years. It was first produced on October 20, 1927, but not introduced until December 2. This new Model A (a previous model had used the name in 1903–04) was designated a 1928 model and was available in four standard colors." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "radios were tuning in to Amos and Andy":

  "Amos 'n' Andy was an American radio sitcom about black characters, initially set in Chicago then later in the Harlem section of New York City. While the show had a brief life on 1950s television with black actors, the 1928 to 1960 radio show was created, written and voiced by two white actors, Freeman Gosden and Charles Correll, who played Amos Jones (Gosden), Andrew Hogg Brown (Correll), and George 'Kingfish' Stevens (Gosden) as well as incidental characters. On television from 1951–1953, black actors took over the majority of the roles; white characters were infrequent." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "Cacoethes scribendi":

  "an uncontrollable urge to write" (Merriam-Webster HERE).

- "I entered the industry at the beginning of talkies":

  "The primary steps in the commercialization of sound cinema were taken in the mid-to-late 1920s. At first, the sound films which included synchronized dialogue, known as 'talking pictures,' or 'talkies,' were exclusively shorts. The earliest feature-length movies with recorded sound included only music and effects. The first feature film originally presented as a talkie (although it had only limited sound sequences) was The Jazz Singer, which premiered on October 6, 1927. A major hit, it was made with Vitaphone, which was at the time the leading brand of sound-on-disc technology. Sound-on-film, however, would soon become the standard for talking pictures.

  . . . "While the introduction of sound led to a boom in the motion picture industry, it had an adverse effect on the employability of a host of Hollywood actors of the time. Suddenly those without stage experience were regarded as suspect by the studios; as suggested above, those whose heavy accents or otherwise discordant voices had previously been concealed were particularly at risk." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "bughouse parties":

  "having or showing a very abnormal or sick state of mind" (Merriam-Webster HERE).

- "this Disney Christmas party"; Mickey Mouse; Snow White and Dopey; the Little Pig; and Donald Duck:

  See Wikipedia (HERE), (HERE), (HERE), (HERE), and (HERE).

- "dressed like Minnie Mouse":

  "Minnie Mouse is an American cartoon character created by the Walt Disney Company. As the longtime sweetheart of Mickey Mouse, she is an anthropomorphic mouse with white gloves, a red or pink bow, blue (or pink or red) polka-dotted dress, white bloomers and yellow low-heeled shoes occasionally with ribbons on them." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "unless a fence sings":

  "A fence, also known as a receiver, mover, or moving man, is an individual who knowingly buys stolen goods in order to later resell them for profit. The fence acts as a middleman between thieves and the eventual buyers of stolen goods who may not be aware that the goods are stolen." (Wikipedia HERE.)

In 'Oliver Twist,' Fagin was a fence.

- "back in ’29"; "her father took the quick way out":

  Referring to the Wall Street market crash of 1929. Legend has it that some investors "took the quick way out," i.e., committed suicide. (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "A Bette Davis role":

  "Ruth Elizabeth 'Bette' Davis (1908–1989) was an American actress of film, television, and theater. Regarded as one of the greatest actresses in Hollywood history, she was noted for her willingness to play unsympathetic, sardonic characters and was known for her performances in a range of film genres, from contemporary crime melodramas to historical and period films and occasional comedies, although her greatest successes were her roles in romantic dramas." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- There's more than just a passing resemblance between "Mystery for Christmas" and a story by G. K. Chesterton (HERE), as well as one by Agatha Christie (WARNING! SPOILERS! HERE).

- We last considered Anthony Boucher's work several years ago, the story "Transcontinental Alibi" (HERE). Others expressed opinions about his Exeunt Murders collection (HERE). And we rather enjoyed "The Girl Who Married a Monster" (HERE).

- Boucher's science fiction/fantasy was always above average: "Public Eye" (HERE), "The Anomaly of the Empty Man" (HERE), and "Elsewhen" (HERE).

That's Anthony Boucher with the pipe.

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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