"What Good's the Chocolate Maltese Falcon to a Venusian?"

. . . an excellent question, but you'll be lucky if you find the answer in . . .

"The Last Caper."

By Charles Beaumont (1929-67; Wikipedia HERE; the ISFDb HERE; the SFE HERE; and the IMDb HERE).

First appearance: Fantasy & Science Fiction, March 1954.

Reprints page (ISFDb HERE).

Short story (9 pages).

Online at SFFAudio (HERE).

   "When his hand came off and dropped to the floor, I knew I was in for some surprises myself."

SOME THINGS will never change, like tough-guy private eyes and deadly dames . . .

Main characters:

~ Bartholomew Cornblossom ("She planted one on my kisser and I felt all May and golden fields of ripe wheat and barefoot in soft river mud"), Mike Mallet ("He went down—fast—and began to whimper"), the secretary ("Next time open the door before you come through it, big boy"), 1742-A ("I don't dig getting beat; not by a robot, anyway"), and the green snake guy ("We shall see now how bravely the Earthling struts!"). 

Typo: "a Girl rom".

References:

- I, the Jury (HERE).

- The Martian Chronicles (HERE).

- Brancusi statuettes (HERE).

- Bromo-Seltzer (HERE).

- Sterno (HERE).

- Sonnets from the Portuguese (HERE).

- Botticelli's (HERE) Venus on the Half Shell (HERE).

- Coney (HERE) and (HERE).

Astronomical mentions:

- Mars and Martians (HERE).

- Venus and Venusians (HERE).

- Uranus and Uranians (HERE).

- Jupiter and Jovians (HERE).

- "Betelgeuseville" (HERE) and (HERE).

Resources:

- Another science fictional PI who forgot all about never taking cases from sexy dames can be found in Neil Gaiman's "The Case of the Four and Twenty Blackbirds" (HERE).

- Our only other encounter with Charles Beaumont was his "The Beautiful People," which was converted into a Twilight Zone episode (HERE).

The inspiration for our story.

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"The Decadence of the Up-to-Date Gangster"

"Bad Man."

By O. O. McIntyre (1884-1938; Wikipedia HERE and the Smithsonian online magazine HERE).

First appearance: Cosmopolitan, February 1931.

True crime article (2 pages).

Online at Archive.org (HERE).

   "Gazing at them, at times I have thought I could give a few of them a tousling myself in a fair fight—but don’t count on me!"

"They don't make 'em like they used to" is an old saying that our author evidently heartily agrees with, as he compares and contrasts the criminal class of fifty years ago (1881) with those of the present day (1931) and finds the latest wild bunch deficient in so many ways. Like people who should know better, he shares a romantic nostalgia for those Wild West outlaws who did their dirty deeds with panache. If there had really been a Lone Ranger, this article probably wouldn't have been written . . .

References:

The respectable ones:

- Clinton County (HERE).

- Charles Lindbergh (HERE).

- The Pinkertons (HERE).

- Vincent Astor (HERE).

- The Prince of Wales (HERE).

- The Winter Garden Theatre (HERE).

- The George M. Cohan Theatre (HERE).

- Robin Hood (HERE). (We're ambivalent about this one.)

The respectable ones (to our author):

- Frank James (HERE).

- Jesse James (HERE).

- The James-Younger gang (HERE).

- Billy the Kid (HERE).

- Cole Younger (HERE).

Disreputable to almost everybody:

- The Rosenthal murder case (HERE).

- Charles Becker (HERE).

- Nathan Kaplan (HERE).

- Monk Eastman (HERE) and The Eastman Gang (HERE).

- Johnny Spanish (HERE).

- Max Zwerback (sic) (HERE).

- Jack Zelig (HERE).

- Arnold Rothstein and George "Hump" McManus (HERE).

- "Legs" Diamond (HERE).

Resource:

- O. O. McIntyre was your classic kid from the sticks reacting to the razzle-dazzle life in the Big City, and he milked it for all it was worth. He was often referred to as "Odd" McIntyre. In 1929 Cosmopolitan published a book collection of his stories (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"Cherchez La Femme"

AT the start of our next story the author issues a sort of Queenian "Challenge to the Reader" before those became fashionable. Will you be able to solve . . .

"The Lauriston Mystery."

By Fred Jackson (1886-1953; Wikipedia HERE; the IBDb HERE; and the IMDb HERE).

First appearance: Munsey's Magazine, March 1929.

Novelette (22 pages; 3 illos).

Online at UNZ (good quality; HERE) and Archive.org (poor quality; HERE).

   ". . . she made a gesture with the dagger as though she were stabbing, and her face was like a tigress."

YOU couldn't get a better candidate for prime suspect than young, beautiful, and vigorous Miss Mills, the mere suggestion of which young, handsome, and vigorous Dr. Manning can't abide. But let's face it: she did have two hundred thousand reasons for doing it, and that death threat ain't helping her case one bit. As always, though, there's more here than meets the eye . . .

Comment: Unnecessarily attenuated by needless repetition. As for the mystery . . . elementary.

Principal characters:

~ Dr. Cyril Manning ("liked to diagnose illness without his subjects suspecting it, and to prognosticate, from signs invisible to laymen"), Dr. Oliver Wakefield ("I said nothing about normal or healthy"), Draga Mills ("glanced around like a caged bird, as if seeking moral support"), Mrs. Sarah Lipton ("He was no good at all, and everybody hereabouts knew it"), Bayard Lauriston ("was lying face downward upon the floor in a small pool of blood, near the corner of a huge table. He lay in a litter of books, papers, broken bric-a-brac"), Inspector Fowler ("I can well believe there were extenuating circumstances"), Brunton ("I thought so. Love letters!"), Abbey Smith ("Her eyes bulged as she recognized Inspector Fowler's uniform"), the coroner ("And yet"—the coroner spoke slowly, impressively—"you said in the presence of three gentlemen, now in this courtroom, when one of them informed you of Mr. Lauriston's death, 'I'm glad to hear it'"), and the coroner's jury ("We find that Mr. Bayard Lauriston was stabbed to death on the night of Friday, August thirteenth, by Miss Draga Mills, and recommend that she be held for trial on charge of murder in the first degree").

References:

- "strabismus" (HERE).

- "the Irene Castle bob" (HERE).

- "Correct Posture League" (HERE).

- "runabout" (HERE).

- "an old-fashioned open victoria" (HERE).

- "Robespierre" (HERE).

- "a picaresque hero" (HERE).

- "the tabloids" (HERE).

- "a Florentine dagger" (HERE).

- "the muck-rakers" (HERE).

- "a 'morgue'" (HERE).

- "Sing Sing" (HERE).

- "the River Jordan" (HERE).

Resource:

- FictionMags in re Frederick John Jackson: "Playwright, novelist, producer for stage, screen and television. Born in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; died in Hollywood, California."

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"Drop Dead!"

THE THEME of someone suddenly gaining extraordinary power and having problems dealing with it is an old one (e.g., King Midas, the sorcerer's apprentice, etc.), which has been beaten into the ground more recently by Hollywood and Spandex superhero fiction. The question of the moment is whether the nebbish in today's story will be able to cope when he gets . . .

"The Power."

(a.k.a. "Rebound" in reprints).

By Fredric Brown (1906-72; Wikipedia HERE; the ISFDb HERE; the SFE HERE; and the IMDb HERE).

First appearance: Galaxy, April 1960.

Reprints page (ISFDb HERE).

Short short short story (3 pages).

Online at SFFAudio (HERE).

   ". . . he decided to take his time planning it so there would be no possibility of his making a careless mistake."

A once well-known public person observed, "The power to do good is also the power to do harm." Are you listening, Larry?

Main characters:

~ Larry Snell ("Why shouldn't he really use what he had?") and a top dame ("Rich men and handsome playboys were after her"). 

References:

- "the whammy" (Merriam-Webster HERE).

- "a relatively uncrowded part of the Catskills" (Wikipedia HERE).

Resources:

- Our story isn't to be confused with Frank M. Robinson's 1956 novel with a similar theme (HERE) or the 1968 movie made from it (Wikipedia; WARNING! SPOILERS! HERE), much 

less the 2021 British film (HERE).

- Our latest contact with Fredric Brown wasn't so long ago, namely his "The Jabberwocky Murders" (HERE).

The bottom line:

  Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"Only You Stand Between Order and Destruction"

TODAY'S author passed away last December. Wikipedia tells us that his "writing style is distinctive, frequently employing long, elaborate sentences with few commas. Most of his science fiction books are short, present-tense narratives concerned exclusively with the consciousness of a single obsessive character." He left us a typical example of his stylistics with . . .

"Trashing."

By Barry N. Malzberg (1939-2024; Wikipedia HERE; the ISFDb HERE; the SFE HERE; the IMDb HERE; and Locusmag.com HERE).

First appearance: Infinity Five, 1973.

Reprints page (ISFDb HERE).

Short short short story (5 pages).

Online at The Luminist Archives (HERE; go to text page 64).

   ". . . I felt the passion to murder as I had never known it . . ."

IF there's a fine line between zealotry and madness, good luck finding it . . .

Principal characters:

~ "I" ("I'll get him and save us all"), the Committee ("Only you can destroy the madman"), and the madman ("You seem to be upset or angry, is something wrong?").

References:

- "Like Medusa" (Wikipedia HERE).

- Are we being told the truth, or are we being beguiled by one of (THESE)?

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"I Wouldn't Jump Too Hastily to Conclusions, Sergeant"

"Circumstantial Evidence."

By Traill Stevenson (1889-1968).

First appearance: T.P.'s & Cassell's Weekly, May 3, 1924.

Short short short story (3 pages).

Online at Hathi Trust starting (HERE), continuing (HERE), and finishing (HERE).

(Note: Text may need magnification.)

   "This is what actually happened, according to my 'reconstruction' . . ."

THERE ARE people who spend an inordinate amount of their time conclusion-jumping, which normally isn't a matter of life or death, but for someone accused of murder it can be a poten-tially fatal attitude, particularly in a police detective . . .

Main characters:

~ Reginald Trevelyan ("had been killed by the blow of a sharp, heavy instrument"), Dr. Waters ("such a wound could not have been self-inflicted"), Sergeant McIntosh ("It's as clear as daylight"), Henri de Balbois ("the gentleman to whom she had sent the incriminating letter"), the maid ("appeared very considerably distraught at my questions, and seemed to be afraid to say either yes or no"), Johnstone, the butler ("I remembered before the master came home, and put it right then"), Mrs. Trevelyan ("a slight, rather faded-looking woman of over fifty whose eyes were red from weeping"), and Detective Denver Stretton ("There was an expres-sion of quiet satisfaction on his face").

Bonus in the same issue:

A review of Sir Edward Abbott Parry's The Drama of the Law (HERE).

Resources:

- About Traill Stevenson FictionMags says: "Businessman who lived variously in Glasgow, Birkenhead and Harrow; Liberal candidate for Parliament in the 1920s; editor for some time of the Lloyd George Liberal Magazine."

- Other stories by Stevenson (FictionMags data; ss = short story):

 "Growing Old," (ss) T.P.’s and Cassell’s Weekly, March 22, 1924

 "Iyaaka’s God," (ss) The Sovereign Magazine, September 1924

 "The Sinister Half Wellingtons," (ss) Hutchinson’s Adventure-Story Magazine, March 1927.

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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It's All TRUE!

UNLIKE some other magazines of the era, such as Redbook and Cosmopolitan, that published both fiction and nonfiction, True Magazine remained true to its title (and its subtitle, The Man's Magazine). On occasion they'd present pieces that could be of interest to mystery and real-life crime enthusiasts. The final issue of 1947 had no fewer than three of them, with one of the authors later being responsible for a cat named Thomasina and a capsized ocean liner jam-packed with Hollywood stars . . .

(1) "The Telltale Bullet."

By Lucian Carey (?-?).

First appearance: True Magazine, December 1947.

True crime article (5 pages).

Online at Archive.org starting (HERE) and finishing (HERE).

(Note: Text is faded.)

   "Certainly it is now rare for one firearms expert to controvert the testimony of another in court. The competent men know what they are talking about . . ."

References:

- For further information about firearms forensics, see Wikipedia (HERE), (HERE), and especially (HERE).

- Concerning the Charles Stielow case, see The National Registry of Exonerations Pre-1989 (HERE). A book was written about it (HERE) and is online (HERE; borrow only).

(2) "Kickback."

By Paul Gallico (1897-1976; Wikipedia HERE; the ISFDb HERE; the SFE HERE; and the IMDb HERE).

First appearance: True Magazine, December 1947.

True crime article (8 pages).

Online at Archive.org starting (HERE) and finishing (HERE).

(Note: Faded text.)

   ". . . a number of supposedly solid and substantial citizens got into an awful lot of trouble, a red-hot political scandal blew up with a loud noise, the police department was turned upside-down with several incumbents departing for healthier climates, and a very dead and embarrassing body appeared upon the scene, posing by its mute presence a series of questions."

References:

- It's an understatement to say that newsrooms have changed somewhat since the '40s; see Wikipedia (HERE).

- We couldn't localize anyone named "Dapper Danny" Mahoney, of course, but there was a "Dapper Dan" Hogan who fits Mahoney's description to a T. For a while Hogan haunted the Twin Cities but sadly (for him but not the community) met a noisy end; see Historic Twin Cities (HERE).

- A Brink's robbery in 1950 inspired at least four movies; see Wikipedia (HERE).

(3) "The Case of the Wife Who Got Boiled."

By Alan Hynd (1903-74; Goodreads list HERE).

First appearance: True Magazine, December 1947.

Illustration by Amos Sewell (1901-83; Pulp Artists HERE).

Reprinted in Brutes, Beasts and Human Fiends, 1964 (online HERE; borrow only).

True crime article (7 pages).

Online at Archive.org starting (HERE) and finishing (HERE).

   ". . . she had been unable to remove the wedding ring from the third finger of her left hand."

References:

- Wikipedia has an article about Adolph Luetgert (HERE).

- Everything you might want to know about potash is in Wikipedia (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"The Perfect Murder Had Been Tastefully Committed"

ANYBODY who ever made the mistake of accusing that enfant terrible of SFF Harlan Ellison of being a humorist to his face was just asking for it. Take, for example . . .

"Mourners for Hire."

(a.k.a. "We Mourn for Anyone . . .")

By Ellis Hart (Harlan Ellison, 1934-2018; Wikipedia HERE; the ISFDb HERE; the SFE HERE; and the IMDb HERE).

Illustrator unknown.

First appearance: Fantastic, May 1957.

Reprints page (ISFDb HERE).

Short story (15 pages).

Online at Archive.org (HERE).

(Note: Faded text.)

   "How in the world they ever got along, getting upset, wasting time, energy and emotion mourning their own dead, before the Guild, is something I’ll never understand . . ."

WHEN a man lets ambition and his bruised ego lead him to murder he still believes he can get away with it, just like Macbeth: "Stars, hide your fires; Let not light see my black and deep desires." Unfortunately for our killer, he lives in a society where "deep desires" can be all too obvious . . .

Principal characters:

~ Lisa ("Dead from a ninety-six storey fall"), Gordon Vernon ("looked infinitely sad for a moment"), Maurice Silvera ("They don’t think you regret Liz’s death enough"), the insulted ("brought his flamer up") and the insulter ("quivered slightly as the gun came to rest on a 

line with his stomach"), and Rance Sellman ("I’m challengin’ you. When, where, what weapons?"). 

Typos: "flambouyant"; "tarriff".

Neologisms:

Writers like Ellison who want the reader to feel immersed in their fictional (often futuristic) cultures usually pepper the story with new and exotic but seemingly appropriate terminology:

  plasteel - flamer - flitcab - Duelarama - stikplate - viewplate - Vodkatini - skyslit - ringwatch - dropshaft banks - servomeck - deskonsole - emoter - relaxers - scriptocheck - "louvre open" - incintray - "Nyork State" - ferramino-oxides.

References:

- Our author has organized his future society into one based on the code duello; see Wikipedia (HERE) and (HERE).

- "the Aldebaran" (HERE) "war"; also see (HERE) and (HERE).

Resources:

- Other stories involving duels include "The Puzzle Duel" (HERE), "Duello" (HERE), "Moon Duel" (HERE), "Dixon Hawke: The Case of the Duelling Pistols" (HERE), and "Tethers" (HERE).

- Our two previous encounters with Harlan Ellison were "Brillo" (HERE) and "Mystery at Mesa Flat" (possibly; HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"It's As Obvious As a Mole on the Neck of a Bob-Haired Girl"

BY the time today's story appeared, detective fiction had been around long enough for authors in the field to poke fun at it, Agatha Christie's lighthearted pastiches with Tommy 

and Tuppence being for-instances. Today's author really can't be considered a detecfic 

writer, however, and so you probably won't be too impressed when . . .

"Bill Dopes It Out."

By John H. Thompson (1890-1949).

First appearance: Argosy All-Story Weekly, September 24, 1927.

Short short short story (3 pages).

Online at The Luminist Archives (HERE; go to text page 476) and Wikimedia Commons (HERE).

(Note: Faded text.)

   "There wasn't that element of uncertainty and mystery which drags many a sordid crime to the front page."

THE circumstantial evidence speaks for itself: a murder weapon with the prime suspect's name written all over it and two wills, one cutting the p.s. out of his inheritance, and other incriminating events. Certainly the people of Torrington are convinced of it. The trouble is that circumstantial evidence has been known to speak with forked tongue . . .

Main characters:

~ Howard Hyatt ("the town's leading and wealthiest citizen"), Arthur Hyatt ("a happy-go-lucky chap who had resented an ultimatum that he go to work or be cut off without a bequest"), the butler ("went to bed early, leaving dim lights burning in the hallway and parlor"), the house-keeper ("rushed hysterically from the house and summoned the police"), the "watson" ("They ought to hang him right away"), and Bill ("You've read detective stories, haven't you?").

Reference:

- The word "dope" has found many uses; here it's used as a synonym for a scoop; see Wiktionary.org (HERE).

Resources:

- Our author: "Journalist, Newspaper Editor. Born in New York City, lived in Connecticut" (FictionMags data). He had a number of stories featuring characters named Bill:

  "Bill Meets the Widow," (ss) Flynn’s Weekly, November 20, 1926

  "Bill Dopes It Out," (ss) Argosy All-Story Weekly, September 24, 1927 (above)

  "Listen, Officer," (ss) Cabaret Stories, March 1929

  "Feeling Fine, Doctor" (ss) Argosy, April 6, 1929 (online HERE)

  "Bill’s Good Turn," (ss) Argosy, March 19, 1932

  "Good-by Carnival," (ss) Argosy, October 14, 1933

  "Cappers," (ss) Argosy, March 24, 1934

  "The Bet," (ss) Argosy, September 22, 1934.

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"I've Always Been a Benefactor of Man, Not a Destroyer"

"Benefactor."

By George H. Smith (1922-96; Wikipedia HERE; the ISFDb HERE; and the SFE HERE).

First appearance: Fantastic Universe, August 1958.

Reprints page (ISFDb HERE).

Short short short story (3 pages as a PDF).

Online at Project Gutenberg (HERE).

   "We can anticipate that robots will be fiercely resented, at first, in a society that will see them as the latest—and an indestructible—widespread threat to the workers whom they will replace . . ."

"O God!" said King Henry, "that one might read the book of fate, and see the revolution of the times." A brilliant inventor is about to see a revolution and find out where he fits into the book of fate . . .

Principal characters:

~ Jacob Clark ("I'll tell them what I've done for them and make them understand"), Bill Towney ("they mean to kill you"), and the Guardians of the Shrine ("wanted to help him 

but they were very puzzled").

References:

- Two views about robots and unemployment from the United Nations (HERE) and M.I.T. (HERE).

Resources:

- You might wonder how the robot revolution could impact detectives; see "Brisk Money" (HERE) and "RAM Shift Phase 2" (HERE).

- George H. Smith has caught our attention several times: "The Undetected" (HERE), "Witness" (HERE), and "Paradox Lost" (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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