"Here and There, Light-years from Earth, Were Little Worlds Without Women—and Not Happy About It"

AT THE VERY LEAST, getting something done in this world requires these particular elements as an absolute minimum: the will to get it done, the materials to do it, and the people to accomplish it. Today's story focuses on that last element, when a careless wheeler-dealer learns the hard way to . . .

"Accept No Substitutes."

By Robert Sheckley (1928-2005; Wikipedia HERE; the ISFDb HERE; the SFE HERE; and the IMDb HERE).

First appearance: Infinity Science Fiction, March 1958.

Illustrated by Ed Emsh (1925-90; ISFDb HERE).

Short story (11 pages).

Online at SFFAudio (HERE).

   "At point-blank range, Garvey fired his last shot."

MORALE is a vital component in any organized endeavor. When it comes to settling the Final Frontier, it can be the difference between success and failure—or even death. The would-be morale-booster in today's tale, however, chooses to ignore what are clearly warning signs of an imminent major fubar situation . . .

Main characters:

~ Ralph Garvey ("Perhaps real girls were best, after all"), Eddie Starbuck ("Look, boy, you'd better see a doctor. You aren't looking so good"), Edward Danzer ("give yourself up now, while there's still time. And remember: crime does not pay"), and the surrogate ("gave no sign of understanding").

References:

- Astronomical mentions (Wikipedia links): Cassiopeia (HERE), Algol (HERE), Deneb (HERE), Venus (HERE), Mars (HERE), and Titan (HERE).

- "stimulus-response mechanisms":

  "The stimulus–response model is a conceptual framework in psychology that describes how individuals react to external stimuli. According to this model, an external stimulus triggers a reaction in an organism, often without the need for conscious thought. This model emphasizes the mechanistic aspects of behavior, suggesting that behavior can often be predicted and controlled by understanding and manipulating the stimuli that trigger responses." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "conditioned reflexes":

  "As an adaptive mechanism, emotional conditioning helps shield an individual from harm or prepare it for important biological events such as sexual activity. Thus, a stimulus that has occurred before sexual interaction comes to cause sexual arousal, which prepares the individual for sexual contact." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "What passed for a tender love embrace on Algol would probably fracture the ribs of an Earthman":

  Years after this story, TV aliens have been shown to have similar proclivities:

  "Klingon mating rituals involve dominant and combative attitudes and rituals. In the constructed Klingon language, parmaqqaypu' (singular parmaqqay) are chosen mates for dedicated recreational sexual congress. As The Doctor from Voyager commented, it is considered a good omen if a clavicle is broken during the wedding night. In Star Trek films and series, a Klingon biting someone indicates their desire to mate.

  "In the Star Trek: The Next Generation episode 'The Dauphin,' Worf states that the mating ritual consists of a woman roaring, throwing things at the male, and occasionally clawing at him while the male reads love poetry and 'ducks a lot'." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "The men grew sullen, quarrelsome, violent":

  We're thinking that "Mudd's Women" (from Star Trek, 1966; WARNING! SPOILERS! Wikipedia HERE) might have been inspired by today's story.

- Another TV show that concerned human-nonhuman intimacy is "The Lonely" (from The Twilight Zone, 1959; WARNING! SPOILERS! Wikipedia HERE).

Resource:

- Robert Sheckley also dealt with marital relations in another story, "The Special Exhibit" (HERE).

The bottom line:

GALACTIC EXTERMINATORS
For Those Hard-to-Reach Places

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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Pay Up

DID you ever finish a story and feel that there should have been more? A Canadian with a puckish sense of humor feels moved to let us know he's had similar experiences, including one with regard to a certain consulting detective . . .

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

The Sequel to Some Famous World Stories

  I think it was Mark Twain who once explained that most of the famous anecdotes and stories stopped too soon and ought to have been carried on to show what happened next. It was either Mark Twain or Artemus Ward or somebody. At any rate, the idea is a good one.

Pursuing that thought . . .

  It has occurred to me also that the same principle might be applied to the elucidation of our fiction. Very often it stops just at the point where the reader would like to know what happened next. For example—to take one random example out of an infinite number—take the very familiar ending of a certain type of detective story. The mystery, thanks, let us say, to the penetrating logic and the tireless patience of Sherlock Holmes, has been solved. Lord Bughouse’s documents, the loss of which would have carried down the United Kingdom, have been found. The country is safe, and with it is saved the honor of Lord Bughouse. It is the final scene of the story. “Mr. Holmes,” said Lord Bughouse, deeply moved, “words cannot express my obligation to you. I know that you do not work for money, but you must at least let me defray the expenses to which you have been put.”

  After which Lord Bughouse is shown downstairs to his Brougham, and the story ends. But it shouldn’t. There ought to be another chapter under the heading:

SHERLOCK HOLMES SENDS IN HIS BILL

  There can be no doubt that if the activities of the great detective in fiction were charged up, like those of a lawyer, or an engineer, or a doctor, the cost would be high. Such as this:—

  (1) Remaining in profound thought (opening chapter) at $25.00 an hour: $50.00

  (2) Forging an inexorable chain of logic, at $10.00 a link: $2,000.00

  (3) Intense reflection in armchair pursued apparently for six months at $30.00 an

evening: $5,000.00

  (4) Outside activities for 6 months, including railroad fares to Constantinople and back: $10,000.00

  (5) Taxi Cab left with engine running in Chapter III and forgotten: $15,000.00

  (6) Services of 16 railway porters, 20 nightwatchmen, and 80 taxi cab drivers in gathering clues at $5.00 per day per clue: $20,000.00

     Total: $52,050.00

  “After all,” said Lord Bughouse, as he wrote a check on the Treasury for the amount, “I doubt if it was worth it.”

From Stephen Leacock's Funny Pieces (1936) at Fadedpage (HERE; page 123).

Resources:

- Fadedpage of Canada has an impressive collection of Stephen Leacock's productions (HERE).

- It has been quite a while since we last ran into Leacock ("The Criminal Face," "Confessions of a Super-Extra-Criminal," "A Midsummer Detective Mystery," and "Living with Murder"), which are all (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"It's Surprising How Many Ways You Can Figure Out To Kill a Guy Once You Put Your Mind to It"

THE characters who inhabit the violent noir universe don't often feel constrained by moral conventions, as these three stories amply demonstrate . . .

(1) "The Set-up."

By Sam Cobb (?-?).

First appearance: Manhunt, January 1953.

Short short short story (3 pages).

Online at SFFAudio (HERE).

Principal characters:

~ The unnamed narrator, Perkins, Francie, Kozlewski, "a mangy character," and his wife.

(2) "Round-Robin with Rifles."

By Ralph Cherry (?-?).

First appearance: Murder, September 1956.

Short short short story (3 pages).

Online at SFFAudio (HERE).

Principal characters:

~ Mike Keller, Jay Maleet, and Nell.

(3) "Sweet Vengeance."

By Lee Harbaugh (?-?).

First appearance: Murder, September 1956.

Short short short story (4 pages).

Online at SFFAudio (HERE).

Principal characters:

~ Frank, Ed, and Ione (in absentia).

Resources:

- We freely admit that we aren't a big fan of noir fiction, preferring characters who at the very least use their heads for more than just punching bags, but if you're interested in the genre, then see the Wikipedia articles "Noir Fiction" (HERE) and "Film Noir" (HERE).

- You might agree that today's tales are not primo noir, but stylistically brilliant virtuosos like Cornell Woolrich don't come around every day. It's for that reason that ONTOS has recognized Woolrich (a.k.a. William Irish) on several occasions: The Leopard Man (HERE), "All at Once, No Alice" (HERE), "Dilemma of the Dead Lady" (HERE), and "Death in the Air" (HERE).

- There is also plenty relating to Woolrich on Steve Lewis's Mystery*File (search page starting HERE).

- Hartford Stage has a short biographical sketch of Woolrich (HERE), and Matthew Schwab fits Woolrich into "The Pulp Fiction Renaissance" (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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You Didn't See That One Coming, Did You?

AN UNEXPECTED TURN in a storyline is a time-honored literary device that's been exploited by fictioneers as diverse as Aesop, O. Henry, and Alfred Hitchcock; it's a technique that can be very satisfying to the reader if done well. Today's stories come from two very different writers living in very different decades with very different writing styles, but, as you'll see, they both have the same impulse, to surprise the reader. We'll let you decide if they're successful . . .

(1) "The Game."

By Dorothy Norwich (?-?).

First appearance: Weird Tales, January 1931.

Short short short story (3 pages).

Online at SFFAudio (HERE).

  "Did they suppose him so utterly simple that he had not been aware this long time of the desperate game they were playing?"

Main characters:

~ Mallory ("No, the way he had chosen was best"), his wife ("her lips, full, curved, and greedy"), the doctor ("I've warned you about undue exertion"), and Hendricks ("from 

the next farm had been in to see him").

Resource:

- We can't find anything about our author; "The Game" is her only item on FictionMags's list.

(2) "Fast with a Gun."

By William Schwartz (?-?).

First appearance: Murder, March 1957.

Short short short story (2 pages).

Online at SFFAudio (HERE).

   "The forty-five was looking bigger now and a hell of a lot closer."

Main characters:

~ Meeghan ("when it was a personal matter, Meeghan took the job himself and never made jokes") and Marty ("This was going to be a rough one to get out of. I was caught").

Resources:

- As biographically elusive as Dorothy Norwich was William Schwartz, although Schwartz was far more prolific in many pulp fiction genres.

- If we limit ourselves to William F. Schwartz's crime fiction, we see he had a series character, Nate Stone (FictionMags data; ss = short story; nv = novelette; na = novella):

  "No Murder Tonight," (ss) Smashing Detective Stories, March 1953

  "No Season for Murder," (ss) Smashing Detective Stories, January 1956

  "Blood Will Tell of Murder," (nv) Smashing Detective Stories, March 1956

  "The Wrong Killer," (nv) Smashing Detective Stories, July 1956 (online HERE; go to text page 6)

  "The Shotgun Slay," (na) Smashing Detective Stories, November 1956.

- A crime short story not featuring Nate Stone is "Bait the Hook with a Blonde" (online HERE).

- Other places on the Interweb that relate to our stories: Wikipedia (HERE and HERE) and the amazing TV Tropes (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"I Do Not Desire Millions at the Risk of Wrecking the Economy"

"The Guy Who Remembered Ahead."

By Mack Reynolds (1917-83; Wikipedia HERE; the ISFDb HERE; and the SFE HERE).

First appearance: Bluebook, September 1954.

Short short short story (3 pages).

Online at SFFAudio (HERE).

   "In case you're slow with your arithmetic anybody who had a hundred-dollar bill and could name seven winners in a row without a miss could own just about all the green in the country."

"VIRTUOSO: a person who has exceptional skill, expertise, or talent at some endeavor." If individuals in music, singing, playing instruments, painting, or other specialized fields who show excellence can be praised as virtuosos, then why can't con men? A virtuoso like, say, the one in today's story . . .

Principal characters:

~ Throckmorton ("deep down I'm a sucker for guys with principle"), Mr. Perkins ("It was after my operation"), Pete ("I didn't know it was no weirdie, boss"), Joe Coty ("the kind of guy who wouldn't lie to his own wife"), and Mort Kessler ("He gives me a horse strictly from glue").

Typo: "Mork" Kessler.

Resources:

- Our first encounter with a Mack Reynolds story was ten years ago, "He Took It with Him" (HERE). Since then: "Dark Interlude" (with Fredric Brown) (HERE), two Solar Pons adventures (with August Derleth) (HERE), "Gun for Hire" (HERE), another Solar Pons (with August Derleth) (HERE), "My Best Friends Are Martians" (HERE), and "Mind Over Mayhem" (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"About Two Hundred Yards Away He Saw a Puff of Smoke Between Two Pine Trees"

REVENGE invades the comics with . . .

"The Hunter."

By Earl(e) Basinsky (1921-63; Wikipedia HERE and Mystery*File HERE).

First appearance: Don Fortune Magazine, November 1946.

Short short short story (2 pages).

Online at Comic Book Plus (HERE; select pages 36-37).

   "The forest would conquer. But best of all, he could tear down the fence, that hateful barrier to his freedom."

FORGETTING something important is merely an inconvenience, but forgetting something of vital importance just might get you killed . . . 

Main characters:

~ Lester Hacket ("lay on his stomach, sighting down the shiny barrel of his rifle") and Devers ("appeared at the corner of the cabin").

Typo: "with hard figures" [fingers].

Resources:

- Our author also wrote another story for the same issue of Don Fortune Magazine, "Knife Act" (HERE; select pages 23-26).

- The FictionMags thumbnail about Earle Basinsky, a protégé of Mickey Spillane: "Born in Vicksburg, Miss.; served in USAF in WWII; then lived for a time in Brooklyn where he wrote with Mickey Spillane, before returning to Vicksburg to enter his father’s printing business."

- And the FictionMags list (ss = short story; na = novella):

  "Killer’s Choice," (ss) Vic Verity, May 1946

  "The Broken Window," (ss) Manhunt, February 1957

  "The Prison Break," (na) Mike Shayne Mystery Magazine, October 1957

  "Decision," (ss) The Saint Detective Magazine, March 1958.

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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"If You Want My Opinion, It's a Fake from Start to Finish"

OVER the course of twenty years, today's sleuth appeared in seventeen novels, but here 

he makes a rare appearance in a short story with the baffling (but soon to be made clear) 

title of . . .

"Before Insulin."

By J. J. Connington (Alfred Walter Stewart (1880-1947; Wikipedia HERE; the SFE HERE; about Sir Clinton Driffield, Wikipedia HERE; the Roy Glashan Library J. J. Connington page HERE and a complete bibliography at RGL HERE; and Mike Grost's megasite HERE).

First appearance: The Evening Standard, September 1, 1936 as "Beyond Insulin."

Reprints page (ISFDb HERE).

Other reprints:

  Fifty Masterpieces of Mystery, 1937, as "Before Insulin" (today's text via RGL).

 

  The Orion Book of Murder, 1996.

  The Edinburgh Mystery and Other Tales of Scottish Crime, 2002.

  Bodies from the Library, 2018.

Short story (14 pages as a PDF).

Online at Roy Glashan's Library (HERE).

   "The boy fell in love with one of the nurses, who happened to be under the influence of the doctor, Sir Clinton went on. If he lived to make a will, there was little doubt that he would leave the fortune to the nurse. A considerable temptation for any girl, I think you'll agree."

IT'S a sad commentary on human nature that some of us are willing to take advantage of somebody else's infirmities for gain. Such is the situation in our story, which seems to confirm that ancient verse a lot of people know in part but seldom in full. The guardian of righteousness (although he would balk at the term) in this case is first described elsewhere like this:

  "Sir Clinton was a slight man who looked about thirty-five. His sun-tanned face, the firm mouth under the close-clipped moustache, the beautifully-kept teeth and hands, might have attracted a second glance in a crowd; but to counter this there was a deliberate ordinariness about his appearance. Had a stranger, meeting him casually, been asked later on to describe him, it would have been difficult; for Sir Clinton designedly refrained from anything characteristic in his dress. Only his eyes failed to fit in with the rest of his conventional appearance; and even them he had disciplined as far as possible. Normally, they had a bored expression; but at times the mask slipped aside and betrayed the activity of the brain behind them. When fixed on a man they gave a curious impression as though they saw, not the physical exterior of the subject, but instead the real personality concealed below the facial lineaments."

  Heaven help anyone who has to contend with an adversary like that.

Principal characters:

~ Squire Wendover ("It's a matter of an estate for which I happen to be sole trustee, worse luck. The other two have died since the will was made"), Sir Clinton Driffield ("I'm Chief Constable of the county, you know—I should probably have had to prosecute that unfortunate nurse for attempted fraud"), Robin Ashby ("was worn to a shadow, simply skin and bone and hardly able to walk with weakness"), Dr. Prevost ("about thirty, black torpedo beard, very brisk and well-got-up, with any amount of belief in himself. He spoke English fluently, which gave him a pull with Robin, out there among foreigners"), Harringay ("was a taciturn man by nature, and his pride had been slightly ruffled"), and Sydney Eastcote ("I was very very sorry for him, and I'd have done anything to make him feel happier").

References:

- "young Robin took diabetes, a bad case, poor fellow"; "the usual diabetic coma":

  "Diabetes accounts for approximately 4.2 million deaths every year, with an estimated 1.5 million caused by either untreated or poorly treated diabetes." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "quarto size, ten inches by eight":

  "Quarto (abbreviated Qto, 4to or 4º) is the format of a book or pamphlet produced from full sheets printed with eight pages of text, four to a side, then folded twice to produce four leaves." (Wikipedia HERE.)

 - "All we did was to put the envelope into a printing-frame with a bit of photographic printing paper behind it and expose it to light for a while"; "that little defect shows up when one exposes the envelope over a sheet of photographic paper":

  "In forensic science, questioned document examination (QDE) is the examination of documents potentially disputed in a court of law. Its primary purpose is to provide evidence about a suspicious or questionable document using scientific processes and methods. Evidence might include alterations, the chain of possession, damage to the document, forgery, origin, authenticity, or other questions that come up when a document is challenged in court." (Wikipedia HERE; also see Forensic Sciences Simplified HERE and Robson Forensic HERE.)

- "like a sort of St Andrew's Cross":

  "A saltire, also called Saint Andrew's Cross or the crux decussata, is a heraldic symbol in the form of a diagonal cross. The word comes from the Middle French sautoir, Medieval Latin saltatoria ('stirrup')." (Wikipedia HERE.)

Resources:

- We first communed with J. J. Connington with respect to his novel, The Tau Cross Mystery (HERE), and later with what appears to be his only science fiction story, "The Thinking Machine" (HERE).

The bottom line:

Unless otherwise noted, all bibliographical data are derived from The FictionMags Index created by William G. Contento & edited by Phil Stephensen-Payne.

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