"Officers in Armoured Suits Burst in, Guns in Hand — and These Guns Weren’t Loaded with Dough"

"The 133rd Live Podcast of the Gourmando Resistance."
By Beth Cato (born 1980).
Illustration by JACEY.
First appearance: Nature/Futures, 20 September 2018.
Short short short story (1 page).
Online at Nature.com (HERE; PDF).

     "She’d read so many theories about what happened from here: hidden tribunals, imprisonment, prosecution."

Can it be that things are heading in this direction? You decide . . .

Comment: A reductio ad absurdum that makes a disturbing point; Swift would be proud.

Resource:
- Beth Cato has been publishing poetry, novels, and short fiction since 2009 (ISFDb; HERE).

"Shid Ald Akwentans Bee Firgot, an Nivir Brocht ti Mynd?"

IN CASE you're a newcomer to this weblog (since January 2018), you might've missed some of the New Year's Eve detective/mystery stories that we've featured in the past. Here's a list of them with links:

   (1) "The Adventure of Auld Lang Syne" (HERE)

   (2) "New Year's Eve Test" (HERE)

   (3) "New Year's Duty"(HERE)

   (4) "Death Ends the Year" (HERE)

   (5) "New Year's Pitfall" (HERE).

~ ~ ~

The bottom line:

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"A Flawless Engine of Justice and Innovation"

"The Congress."
By Dave Kavanaugh.
Illustration by JACEY.
First appearance: Nature/Futures, 13 September 2018.
Short short short story (1 page).
Online at Nature.com (HERE; PDF).

     "As for what lay beneath the city’s surface, that was a mystery to all except elected members of the Interplanetary Congress."

There are some things that only people can do . . .

Resource:
- Like one of our previous authors, this is Dave Kavanaugh's only story so far (ISFDb; HERE).

"And Yet the Matter Is Quite Simple Even with These Few Facts Before Us, Which Are Only a Selection from the Body of Evidence in Our Possession"

TODAY'S TALE happens to be the first published Dr. Thorndyke story, beating "The Anthropologist at Large" into print by three months (see "Resource" below for a link 
to that story).

"The Blue Sequin."
By R. Austin Freeman (1862-1943).
Illustrations by Henry Raleigh (1880-1944).

First appearance: Pearson's Magazine, December 1908 (as "The Blue Spangle").

Reprinted in McClure's Magazine, June 1910; Amazing Detective Tales, June 1930 (as "The Blue Spangle"); Short Story Magazine (Australia) #36 (1947); and Alfred Hitchcock's Mystery Magazine (AHMM), October 2008 [FictionMags HERE].
Collected in Dr. Thorndyke Investigates (1930; HTML online HERE; EPUB is HERE).
Short story (11 pages, 5 illos).
Online at Archive.org (HERE) and Roy Glashan's Library (HTMLs HERE: 1 different illo; and HERE: no illos).
(Note: Some text is slightly distorted and faded, but legible at Archive.org.)

     "And now, observe the accumulation of circumstantial evidence against him. He was the last person seen in company with the murdered woman—for no one seems to have seen her after they left Munsden; he appeared to be quarrelling with her when she was last seen alive; he had a reason for possibly wishing for her death; he was provided with an implement—a spiked staff —capable of inflicting the injury which caused her death; and, when he was searched, there was found in his possession the locket and broken chain, apparently removed from her person with violence."

. . . but, of course, he isn't guilty; it merely remains for Dr. John Thorndyke, medico-legalist extraordinaire, to prove it, assisted by his friend Jervis and, among other seemingly incon-sequential things, the little discs from a lady's hat, dyed hair follicles fourteen sixty-fourths 
of an inch long, two pyramidal nerve corpuscles and some portions of fibres, and a highly sensitive cow.

Major characters:

~ Miss Edith Grant:
  ". . . stepping over to the table, he drew back the sheet reverently and even tenderly from the dead woman's face, and looked down at it with grave pity. It was a comely face, white as marble, serene and peaceful in expression, with half-closed eyes, and framed with a mass of brassy, yellow hair; but its beauty was marred by a long linear wound, half cut, half bruise, running down the right cheek from the eye to the chin."
~ Harold Stopford, A.R.A., an artist:
  ". . . he is the gentlest and most amiable of men . . ."
~ Edward Stopford, of the firm of Stopford and Myers, solicitors, and the brother of Harold:
  "My brother's position fills me with dismay—but let me give you the facts in order, and you shall judge for yourself. This poor creature who has been murdered so brutally was a Miss Edith Grant. She was formerly an artist's model, and as such was a good deal employed by my brother, who is a painter . . ."
~ The station-master:
  "There was only one first-class coach, and the deceased was the only person in it."
~ Felton, the butcher:
  "Lord bless you, sir, they haven't got no feeling in their horns, else what good 'ud their horns be to 'em?"
~ Jervis:
  ". . . here I broke off, remembering my friend's dislike of any discussion of his methods before strangers."
~ Dr. Thorndyke:
  ". . . we can now prove when and where and how Miss Grant met her death. Come and sit down here, and I will explain."

Comment: This one might remind you of a case solved by Sherlock Holmes.

Typo: "peroxid" [arguably correct; most texts render it "peroxide"].

Thorndykeisms:
   "It is a great disadvantage to come plump into an inquiry without preparation — to be confronted with the details before one has a chance of considering the case in general terms."
   "So, you see, I had six possible theories of the cause of death worked out before I reached Halbury, and it only remained to select the one that fitted the facts."

Resource:
- Our previous encounter with Dr. Thorndyke was two months ago (HERE).

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Cold Chills from Santa

SOMETIMES KIDS' imaginations spin out of control, as the following narrative amply demonstrates. A word of caution from the author, however: "Here’s a special holiday story 
for all my fans on Christmas Eve (but, fair warning, don’t expect it to be heartwarming!)."

   "We have to get Santa before he gets us!"

"Santa Claus Is Coming . . . To Get You!"
By Kevin J. Anderson (born 1962).
First appearance: Deathrealm, Fall/Winter 1991.
Reprints page (HERE).
Short short short story (3 pages).
Online at Kevin J. Anderson's Blog (HERE).

Could Jeff be right?

   "He sneaks down the chimney, and he carries an empty sack with him. And when he knows he’s in a house where there’s a naughty kid, he goes into their bedroom and grabs them, and stuffs them in the sack! Then he pushes them up the chimney and throws the bag in the back of his sleigh with all the other naughty little boys and girls. And then he takes them back up north where it’s always cold and where the wind always blows—and there’s nothing to eat."

But that ain't the half of it . . .

   "He pictured Santa Claus heaving himself out from the fireplace, pushing aside the grate and stepping out into the living room. His eyes were red and wild, his fingers long claws, his beard tangled and stained with the meal he’d had before setting out in his sleigh—perhaps the last two children from the year before, now scrawny and starved. He would have snapped them up like crackers."

Resources:
- Kevin James Anderson has been publishing SFF for well over thirty years; see Wikipedia (HERE), the SFE (HERE), and his film and TV projects at the IMDb (HERE).

~ ~ ~

   "Who has been poisoning your mind, little girl?"

THE SAGE OF BAKER STREET died in a great fall craftily engineered by his literary creator. Everyone who cared about him mourned his passing—until, mirabile dictu, he returned from the dead! Here's a true account of what happened one Yuletide eve after his timely return:

"The Adventure of the Double Santa Claus."
By Bert Leston Taylor (1866-1921).
First appearance: Puck, 28 December 1904.
Short short short story (2 pages).

     "He fastened a rope about my waist and lowered me to the hearth; then he secured the rope to the chimney pot and himself slid down. Fortunately the fire was out."

Holmes always did have a flair for the dramatic: "One glance at the contents of the trunk 
and I fell back with a cry of horror. A human body, horribly mangled, as if by an explosion of dynamite, was before me!"

Resources:
- In his day, humorist Bert Leston Taylor was a well-known columnist and author whose satires infrequently strayed into SFF territory; see Wikipedia (HERE), the SFE (HERE), 

and the ISFDb (HERE).

Is Santa operating on the up-and-up? Let's find out when he takes the stand:

"Investigating Santa Claus."

From Punch, 1905 (below).

(Note: Some text faded.)

References:

- "Mr. Hughes":

  We're guessing here, but it might be Charles Evans Hughes:

  "Responding to newspaper stories run by the New York World, Governor Frank W. Higgins appointed a legislative committee to investigate the state's public utilities in 1905.

. . . Though few expected the committee to have any impact on public corruption, Hughes was able to show that Consolidated Gas had engaged in a pattern of tax evasion and fraudulent bookkeeping." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "House of Mirth":

  "The House of Mirth is a novel by American author Edith Wharton, published on 14 October 1905. It tells the story of Lily Bart, a well-born but impoverished woman belonging to New York City's high society in the 1890s. The House of Mirth traces Lily's slow two-year social descent from privilege to a lonely existence on the margins of society. In the words of one scholar, Wharton uses Lily as an attack on 'an irresponsible, grasping and morally corrupt upper class'." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "the Equitable":

  "James Waddell Alexander, the son of James Waddel Alexander, was the [Equitable] company president at the time of the Hyde costume ball scandal in 1905, in which James Hazen Hyde, the son of the founder and a vice president of the company, was falsely accused through a media smear campaign initiated by Alexander and board directors E. H. Harriman, Henry Clay Frick and J.P. Morgan of charging a fabulous $200,000 Versailles-themed affair to the company. The repercussions rocked Wall Street and resulted in an investigation of the entire insurance industry by the State of New York." (Wikipedia HERE.)

- "Chauncey M. Depew":

  "In 1906, David Graham Phillips began a muckraking series entitled 'The Treason of the Senate' for William Randolph Hearst's new Cosmopolitan magazine, and targeted Depew in the first article. The article's sensational charges included labeling Depew a 'boodler' owned 'mentally and morally' by railroad magnates Cornelius and William Vanderbilt. The piece provoked outrage from President Roosevelt, the New York Sun and Senator Henry Cabot Lodge." (Wikipedia HERE.)

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CHRISTMAS BONUS: SANTA IN THE TITLE

Just in case you happen to have any free time between now and New Year's (and if you haven't read them already):
   (1) "Slay Bells for Santa" (HERE)

   (2) "Santa Thumbs a Ride" (HERE)
   (3) "A Slay Ride for Santa" (HERE)

   (4) "Murder on Santa Claus Lane" (HERE)
   (5) "Death Plays Santa Claus" (HERE)
   (6) "The Light Fingered Santa" (HERE).

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"I Didn't Ask To Be Smart"

"The Tail of Danny Whiskers."
By Fawaz Al-Matrouk.
Illustration by JACEY.
First appearance: Nature/Futures, 2 August 2018.
Short short short story (1 page).
Online at Nature.com (HERE; PDF).

     "Serious law. Serious time. There’s two fugitives from it now. An old man and his cat, last seen heading north from California. Talkative cat. Described as ‘uppity’."

You may recall when Alice encountered the Cheshire Cat and asked for directions:

    "Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
   "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
   "I don't much care where —" said Alice.
   "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.

For Dr. Tarboush, however, it matters very much which way you go . . .

Resource:
- Our story seems to be Fawaz Al-Matrouk's first publication (ISFDb; HERE).
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"There on the Floor Was Santa Claus, but Only the Outside of Him"

IF YOU'RE a loyal fan of Rex Stout's Nero Wolfe (a "connoisseur of crime") and Archie Goodwin ("his assistant") sleuthing duo, you might want to skip the next story since you're probably already familiar with it. For the rest of us, here's Wolfe in trouble up to his hyper-active cerebral cortex:

"The Christmas-Party Murder."
By Rex Stout (1886-1975).
Illustrations by Alex Ross (1908-90).
First appearance: Collier's, January 4, 1957.

Reprinted in Ellery Queen’s Mystery Magazine, January 1965; Ellery Queen’s Anthology #20, 1971; and a lot of other places.
Adapted for CBC Radio as "Christmas Party" (1982; online HERE); filmed for TV as "The Christmas Party" (2001; HERE).
Short story (12 pages, 3 illos).
Online at UNZ (HERE).
(Note: Edges of text sometimes cut off but still interpretable.)

     "The Bottweill crew was quite a tangle, an interesting exhibit of bipeds alive and kicking . . ."

Yuletide get-togethers are usually festive occasions marked by joviality and bonhomie, but, while the one at Kurt Bottweill's office party starts that way, it ends on a sour note: murder plain and simple, with the prime suspect being—we kid you not—Santa Claus . . .

Who's in it:
  ~ See the Cast of Characters at the start of the story.

Resources:
- Rex Todhunter Stout had a remarkably long career as a detective fiction writer, considering that (like Raymond Chandler) plotting was his weakest skill; his characterizations, however, were always top-notch. For more on Stout and his creations, see these: FictionMags (HERE), Wikipedia (HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE), The Thrilling Detective (HERE), the IMDb (HERE), plus the SFE (HERE) and the ISFDb (HERE) for his few ventures into SFFnal territory.

- Cyanide is favored by many killers; see Wikipedia (HERE), which shows us how there's more than one way to die of cyanide poisoning besides gulping Pernod.

- If you want to know what Rex Stout thought about detective fiction, go (HERE) for his "Grim Fairy Tales."

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